Today did not end as any of us had expected. Death really does come like a thief in the night. Bed unmade, shoes untied, and purse left behind, life moves fast - enjoy every moment.
On Saturday, after being so excited to celebrate my dad's birthday, Grandma suffered a cardiac-episode. Instead of celebrating with cake and ice cream, Grandma got a ride in the ambulance and a stay in the emergency room.
On Sunday morning, I sat with my Grandma in ER. She was coherent, but not making much sense.
"Connie?" She asked, "Do you think when I'm through here your Grandpa will come around with the car and take me home?" If you've ever spent a while in conversation with someone who's mind is betraying them, you know it's best to play along instead of inflicting unnecessary pain - like telling my Grandma that Grandpa passed away years ago. Sometimes the desire to be with someone we love trumps the need for logical conversation.
"Yes, Grandma. I'm sure Grandpa will take you home."
I listened (and answered!) Grandma's nonsensical questions, soaking in her smile and playing along with her real and fantasized scenarios. In my stillness these last few months I am becoming more aware of the presence of God with me in every situation and allowing myself to be present in each moment - not waiting for the next moment or wishing for the last - simply being present in the now. Standing at her bedside I became acutely aware of the gift of looking into her eyes, seeing her smile, and being with her.
"Connie, Grandpa told me last night to stay still on the ground and take all my medicine because it's good for me." I began tearing up considering how thin the layer between the heavens were growing and wondered if I might be standing amongst loved ones. I believe it is quite possible my Grandpa was encouraging her and helping her along - mysterious phenomenon take place as a person's transition nears.
Today, her heart grew weaker and we knew the time had arrived.
Singing hymns, reading scripture, and praying, my dad, sister, brother and I held her hands as she released her last breath and rested into the arms of her Loving God.
Perhaps her fantasies were based in more reality than I had realized and I answered her correctly - she really did get to go home with Grandpa tonight and I believe she is now counted among the Great Cloud of Witnesses cheering us on as we continue to run our race.
She has left us with one-liners that make us laugh, memories that fill our hearts with joy, and recipes that fill our stomachs with tangible love. She has been a fighter, a compassionate connector, and a faithful companion. Her passing even caused the nurse who cared for her for just a few short hours to cry. "Your Grandma was so kind. She knew my name." A few hours before her death - she was still learning her nurses' name and complementing her on her turban. A remarkable woman, indeed.
I could go on and on about her hilarious quirks and dazzling intellect, but for now I will treasure those in my heart to keep me company on rainy days.
I already miss my Grandma immensely, but I look forward to the day when I will see her again. May we live in the present moment enjoying the now of today in light of our hope of tomorrow.
I love you, Grandma.
