My Journey of Preaching

Mother's Day, May 12, 2013 was the day I preached my first sermon. 

I'll always remember coming off the stage and being exceptionally hot! I stood next to the Lead Pastor who patted me on the back and said, "Nice job, sheesh...you're burning up!" I literally had sweat dripping down my back. 

I had just transitioned out of my role as Children's Coordinator and was beginning as an Associate Pastor which included the opportunity to preach 2-3 times per year.

"Two or possibly three Sundays a year I get to preach!" I thought. "What an honor. What a blessing. What a gift."

It's strange how our perspectives change overtime.

I remained in my Associate Pastor role for over five years, delivering a total of 19 sermons.

I loved the process of studying for my sermon, of creating the slides, of crafting words and especially the experience of delivering it to a crowd of friends.

In 2018, I began pastoring within a new congregation - again for over five years. Within this time frame, I preached 14 times. 

With the second church came the challenge of balancing my full-time job as the Children & Families Pastor with the Sundays that I preached. At my previous church, my job entailed ministries to adults which kept me in the same sphere of the Sunday Service, so preaching wasn't quite as taxing as being the tandem preacher and Children's Pastor. At this new church, preaching included both my normal full-time responsibilities in addition to the extra time and energy to write and deliver a sermon. I love preaching so, of course, I eagerly jumped at every opportunity to preach that came my way.

Preaching, for me as a Children's Pastor, meant late night hours writing and creating. It meant recruiting a 'point-person' for Sunday so someone would lead in my absence. It meant setting up the kids area on Saturday to alleviate some of my job the next morning. It meant being the first to arrive on Sunday to turn on lights, heat, and unlock doors so that the kids area was ready to receive children when church began. It meant running back-and-forth between service design, prayer meetings, sound-checks and checking in with teachers and families as they arrived. It meant running upstairs to the supply closet and pulling out extra buttons for a craft the teacher wants to do before I ran back to the sanctuary, getting in just in time for the completion of the song before my sermon. Heart-pounding from my jog around campus, it was now time to preach.

I had to choose my shoes wisely on these days - I often found myself literally running behind the stage back-and-forth between the opening, worship, sermon, and benediction. It was crazy!  

Though I love preaching, I was also getting tired of the balancing act. Not just balancing of my time, but also my family. Most the sermon opportunities would be offered to me on holiday weekends - or weekends projected to be "quiet." My sacrifice of sleep and energy was one thing, but to have to prep a sermon on the weekend my out-of-town children would be home? 

It was getting harder and harder to see the opportunity to preach as a blessing. 

I remember one sermon I prepped on the Friday after Thanksgiving in my mother-in-law's closet in Carmel. It was the only place in the house that was quiet. While my family was bustling with games and fun downstairs, I was locked in a closet preparing a sermon for Sunday. This is a gift, right? 

When I stepped down from my job in June of this year, I knew I was potentially stepping away from one of the activities I loved to do the most - preach. The realization of my loss had already begun to sink-in months before as I was less and less invited to preach. I noticed the "better" I did my job, the less available I was to engage in adult conversations, attend the worship service, and be given opportunities to preach. It was a Catch-22 situation. To win was to lose. Perhaps I was simply in the wrong role to even have the desire to preach - but let's get real, I live in the Central Valley. Children's Ministry is one of the few positions available to women in our churches.

What's sad in this story is that no one seemed to notice when my voice was not included. No one noticed my exhaustion at the end of my Sundays on the days I preached. Some might argue that I didn't tell them it was too much. My fear, however, was that if I confessed that preaching was too much that one of the three possibilities would enfold:

1. I would no longer be asked to preach.

2. I would be told that my desire to preach was on me so I needed to suck it up. 

3. I would be told that my inability to do a full time job AND preach was an indicator of a woman's incapacity to preach.

I have always loved the preparing and preaching component of sermons - it was doing all of it and my full-time job that was getting wearisome. So instead, to prove a point and to keep preaching, I endured. I found I had no one to advocate for me to help me make this work better. Instead, the problem sat squarely on my shoulders and in my incapacity to do it all. 

News Flash: This is an unhealthy system!

My struggle for always feeling, "not enough" has come from these very much unrealistic expectations that have been put on me. I do not believe anyone can do what was expected of me. It is not a fault of mine, but a fault with the system.

While the youth pastor got to preach monthly, I needed to be content in my building, with my children, and with my own ministry. Was the problem with me and wanting too much? I was hired as the "Children and Families Pastor," after all. Why would I expect to be in church or asked to preach?  

That, my friends, is a hard pill to swallow. 

There's a discrepancy when a church has two full-time associate pastors and one preaches monthly and the other twice a year. "Yeah, but Connie, the youth pastor doesn't have responsibilities on a Sunday morning, so he has more time to devote to his sermon than you do." 

Answer: That's a systemic problem. Perhaps, there's a problem when one full-time pastor has free time and the other full-time pastor has too large of a load to be involved with the life of the church. 

I do not doubt the youth pastor (or other associates for that matter) have similar problems; I'm sure this is not my problem alone. But it also makes me wonder if this is why the typical associate pastor only lasts for 5-years. Is that just the norm, or could there be, perhaps, a different way? Could we navigate our churches differently in a way that anticipates our leaders to grow and grow with them?

Yesterday I got to preach again. 

I, honestly, wasn't sure if I'd ever get the chance to preach again after I left my place of employment, but Fresno Pacific University reached out and offered me a chance to speak for College Hour. 

I discovered that without a full-time job to attend to in addition to speaking, preparing a sermon was simple! My slides were in on Friday and then I had to wait....and wait....and wait for College Hour on Wednesday. I cannot express the strange peace and unhurried posture in which I found myself in the waiting on Monday and Tuesday. It was so very unlike me, and especially unlike how I normally functioned leading up to a sermon.

What I noticed this time was that I slept peacefully the night before (not my normal Saturday-night-before-my-sermon). My watch never notified me that my heart-rate soared and I didn't even feel nervous during my message. My pace was good - I didn't feel rushed like I was borrowing time and needed to wrap it up. There was this strange peace surrounding me. 

My topic was on "The Divine Cobbler," a bit of a play-on-words I got from my son when he had asked me if I knew anyone who can sew on his soul. He was actually referring to the sole of his tap shoe (ha!), but the idea of a soul-mender began forming deep within me. 

In my experience thus far with the Transforming Community, I've been praying that God would mend me back together: heart, mind, soul, and body. That my "doing for God" would extend out of my place of "being with God." 

I am realizing that the anxiety I felt when I preached in years past was due to an over-loaded plate and lack of support, as well as a busy, hurried spiritual life that made no room for resting in God. 

The "resting in God" piece I am doing well these days. I'm grateful for my growth but disappointed that my church couldn't grow with me. I find myself thinking different scenarios for ways things could have worked out, but know I need to let these fall to the ground and die. Thinking about the "what ifs" of life never works out well or does not lends itself to emotional health or spiritual vitality. 

At this point in my life, if someone where to tell me: "We so value your voice that we're going to allow you to preach two-three times a year." It feels more condescending than it does generous. 

We've got to do better. 

That bettering involves looking at our systems, our job descriptions, our relationships and noticing how they affect us - are they supportive or are they are diminishing? Are they laced with inequalities that we've become so accustomed to that we're blind to them? Within the church, are we handing out token opportunities to women, or actually creating spaces and ministries for women to thrive? We cannot give job descriptions designed for men to women and expect these jobs to work. Likewise, we cannot give women job descriptions that worked in the 80's and then be surprised when women feel unsupported. We need to be innovative in how we make space for all voices to be heard and thrive. We've GOT to get creative and we must move toward gift-based leadership positions over adhering to the straight-jacketed approach of job descriptions. Did both churches follow through with offering me a chance to speak twice a year? Yes. Did the churches create a place for my gifts to grow and flourish? No.

As I continue to wrestle with my own grief, I am also grateful for the healing that has come in my resting with Jesus. I also hope that, by God's grace, I can help create healthy solutions to systems that need to be reimagined because I know deep down that we can do better than this for the women and men who serve in our churches.

#equality

#untileverywomanisheard

The Practice of Gratefulness

I am an over-thinker. 

I'm the type of person who can sit in silence for hours considering a situation or topic and still not be able to make a decision. I have to consider every angle and every option before decision-making and even after all that consideration, may not be able to make a decision for fear of it being the 'wrong' decision. I've learned to put deadlines on my thinking and manage my over-processing tendencies, but I've also discovered a dark-side to my over-thinking. 

Especially these days when I tend to be alone more than ever before, I recognize the negative voices that begin to plant words and thoughts into my thinking. Without people around me to bounce my thoughts off, these negative ideas get mixed into my own thoughts and soon enough, I'm a mess of confusion and despair forgetting my belovedness while also beginning to see the world through glasses tainted with negativity and hopelessness.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets into this cycle!

One of the practices I have learned to help me combat this negative cycle is the practice of gratefulness. I know, I know, that sounds like a cheesy, "churchy" answer, but it really, truly works! 

Practicing gratitude opposes the voices that tells us, "no one cares," or "your life is horrible," or whatever other lie we're hearing. It also combats our woe-is-me outlook, reminding us of the many gifts and blessings bestowed to us each day. After two weeks of looking for reasons to be grateful, our brains will actually form new pathways and begin thinking differently! Our outlook on life will not begin despairingly, but will begin open to a day of possibilities, not expecting doom and gloom, but anticipating reminders of blessing and love notes of hope.

I recognize we are often in seasons when being thankful is hard. 

We go through times when the most we can do is just get out-of-bed. When we have experienced the loss of a loved one, are undergoing chemotherapy, or have lost our job, for example, we can quickly be pulled into a vacuum of despair. Our goal in these times is often survival. During these seasons we believe being thankful is a frivolous amenity gifted to others, but not to me. 

Telling someone in these places, "be grateful," feels like dousing a cut with lemon juice - it hurts! Please hear me say, I understand being in this place. In many ways, I am living in this season right now, which is why I need gratitude. 

Being grateful does not deny my current situation - it doesn't heal it or make it go away. It does, however, adjust my outlook, inspire my hope, and help me get through my difficult situation. 

Daily Examen

I like to pair my practice of gratitude with a practice called, "Daily Examen." The Daily Examen is often done in the evening and is a practice of considering our day, looking for places where we grew as people, places where we can now recognize God's activity but acknowledged we missed the invitation, and/or situations where we were reminded of God's presence and participation in our lives. This practice of reflecting on our day, how we missed it, where we blew it, where God showed up, and how I made decisions out of wholeness instead of gloom is a healing and healthy practice.

November Challenge

During the month of November, I'm challenging the people in my small group (and you as well!) to begin your day with the intention to keep your eyes opened (both our physical eyes and spiritual eyes) to something, someone, or a situation in which we can be thankful. 

I have done Thankfulness Journals before but I have to admit I was a bit of a cheater. I'd get busy for a week and then sit down and write out seven things/people I'm grateful for quickly to get 'caught up.'

Instead of brainstorming our reasons to be thankful, let's, instead, be daily looking for them to make themselves known to us. 

For example, I could be thankful for my daughter, Anna. I am very thankful for her so she would be a natural name to write on my page. How much more grateful, however, would it be if Anna happened to stop by just to say hi. Then, that evening, during my Daily Examen, my gratefulness wells up within me as I write Anna down as my person in which to be thankful. Not just someone I love, but someone who intersected my life today - my gift for the day.

See the difference?

There's a bit more trust to this challenge - trust that we will see a reason in which to be thankful AND trust that God, the giver of good gifts, will bring those gifts into our lives. This is also a partnership between us and God in that, I believe, God surrounds us with daily reminders of his love for us, it's often us who are too busy or blind to see the gifts around us.

Looking for reasons to be thankful is a powerful way to develop healthy, life-giving thinking habits.

Be Thankful Booklets

I created these little booklets for my small group, but you can use a journal or whatever paper you have available, to get into the practice of being grateful. Begin your day asking God to bring to your attention to a reason in which to be grateful. Sit with God in the evening asking God to remind you and then write down the name, situation, encounter on your paper. If you're a creative-type, perhaps you can experiment with other mediums to journal your experience. 

Let us combat our "stinking-thinking" (as my mom used to say) by opening ourselves to seeing reasons to be thankful for each day.

Have fun this November!

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever."  

Halloween Comes Full-Circle

I have so much in my head and heart concerning Harvest/Halloween Carnivals, I decided to write them down. Perhaps if they're written here, I can let them go...

Opening our Front Lawn (1998-2005)

In 1998 we were leaders at the Fresno Vineyard. Our church met in a converted warehouse "behind Costco" on Shaw near Highway 99. Prior to 1998, my husband and I lived in an apartment, but in 1998 we purchased our first house in the block southeast of Fresno and Bullard. We were never "Halloween People," but the more neighbors I met that first year at my house, the more I wanted to host "something" to get to know the people who lived around me. In 1998 we hosted our first "Harvest Party" in our front yard. Children and parents were both delighted to play some games, drink some hot apple cider, and engage in friendly conversation as they passed our house on their way to trick-or-treat. We did front-yard "Harvest Parties" for eight years before closing our church. 

Developing my Neighborhood Theology.

In the late 90's, I was in the beginning stages of developing a theology of neighboring - a topic that has continued to be close to my heart. I began looking for more ways to either invite my neighbors to my house or look for opportunities for where my "neighbors" (or anyone in my community for that matter!) was gathering, and attempt to place myself in the middle of that gathering place. I began chewing on ideas to help churches increase their impact in neighborhoods. How can we move from a building-centric church to a community of house-churches? It "helped" that the Fresno Vineyard sold our worship center and began renting space on a Sunday morning. Nothing like being portable to force growth into the homes. Bret and I experienced one of our favorite church communities during this season: a broad swath of different people, coming together from different backgrounds (ages, life-stages, ethnicities, and economics) with the common goals of being formed into the image of God together. Hands down, the BEST small group we have ever been part of. Though our small group met near Fresno High, our Harvest Parties continued in my front yard until our church closed in 2005.

Challenging a Vision (2006-2017)

When I began the job of Children's Coordinator of a church in Clovis, one of my first major assignments was to participate in the church's annual Halloween Carnival on Halloween night. I was hit with a conflict because I had become so accustomed to my Front-Yard Harvest Parties, I felt like I was abandoning my neighborhood to do my church-job. Why would I willingly leave my house on the one night my neighbors would be coming to me? 

With no option to opt-out, I had to give up my neighborhood party and push my creativity into my church function. After just a few years, I was put in charge of the Halloween Carnival at the church and casted an alternative vision for why and how we could approach Halloween, centering on the importance of neighborhoods. Instead of church leaving their neighborhoods on this night, what if we were, instead, purposeful about this night and made our presence known. I altered our plan so that we would still have a yearly Halloween Carnival, but it would be on the Sunday before Halloween, freeing us on October 31st to be in our neighborhoods, meeting neighbors. I loved the chance to create space for our town to come to our big and fabulous Halloween Carnivals the Sunday before, but my favorite space was still my front-yard - hanging out with my neighbors, drinking apple ciders, and playing games with neighborhood children.

Expanding our Circumference (2018-2019) 

Change occurred again in 2018 when I become the Children's Pastor of a church in Fresno. The pastor I worked with also had a passion for neighboring and also wanted to experiment with changing how the church had experienced Halloween thus far. In years prior, the church would decorate and open their gym for the neighborhood and church members to eat together and play games. Our new idea was to partner with the local school to have a Halloween Party after school on Halloween. This incarnational-view centered on Jesus' willingness to come to us and bring reconciliation and healing. Instead of inviting our community to come to us, we came to them bringing games, tickets and prizes. We did this for two-years and it went well. My only problem? Once I was finished with clean-up, it was dark and I did not have time to set-up my front-yard harvest party. I was once again was pulled away from my neighborhood doing church-work somewhere else. There's got to be a way to combine these, or somehow do them so they're not conflicting...

Changing a Culture (2020-2022)

Then, in 2020, COVID came, forcing all of us to pivot. Creative thinking and trying out new ideas are some of my specialties so I was excited as Halloween approached to think of how I could use this opportunity to change the culture of this church. I had lived a block south of this church years ago and didn't feel like it was very invitational. Something about how the parking lot worked, the color-choices, and strange language on the kiosk kept me from perusing this church. The previous pastor had stepped down so I had free space to create anything I wanted. I decided to bring the carnival back to the church campus, but to keep it in the parking lot. Though many people thought this was due to COVID regulations, it was actually a strategy to keep the church visible, instead of hidden in the gym. Much to the church's surprise, the community responding with their resounding presence. Candyland was a great success and everyone was thrilled. Since I was in charge, I scheduled the carnival during the afternoon, for safety AND...you guessed it...so I would have time to be in my own neighborhood! 

The next year, with a new pastor at the helm, I was permitted to do a parking-lot carnival again, this time a "Knock-Knock Joke" theme (complete with lots of bad jokes!). With Halloween falling on a Sunday, we, once again, held an afternoon carnival so that people would have the opportunity to be back in their neighborhoods. 

In 2022 came the culture-shift: Halloween fell on a Monday. With 13-years of experience at the last church, two successful years of parking-lot carnivals, and knowing how well the church and community responded to a carnival the Sunday leading into Halloween, I proposed we do the same. 

Thrillingly, the church hosted an Encanto Halloween Carnival on the Sunday afternoon and then I got to enjoy my neighbors on Monday evening! It was fabulous! Though I had hoped to make a few more adjustments to further a neighborhood approach to Halloween night and link back with the local elementary school, my time at that church also came to a close.

Close, but not Quite Home (2023)

This year was strange. We're not serving in a church and feel a bit "homeless." I could sense the weather cooling and leaves changing and felt my anticipation of carnival festivities rising. After 26-years of leading fall carnivals, believe me when I say, I could feel the night approaching. My husband could see my restlessness so we drove to Oregon to visit his brother in an attempt to keep my mind off the impending day. 

Once we were back home and knowing the day could not be avoided (plus I love the chance to be with people!) we decided to bring some of our carnival games and backdrops to a friends house in the Tower District. They have a TON of kids come through so I thought that sounded like a good plan. With 1,000's of kids walking through our games we stayed busy for over three hours! It was so much fun to be in a neighborhood! It was a blast having the lawn lit up with spotlights, backdrops and games tucked between episodes of The Day of the Dead! We had children entering our lighted area crying from the ghouls next door to begin smiling at the frog launch and plinko games! The only set-back: people asking if I lived at this house, or commenting on "my" house being "the best house on the block." I didn't live here.

Once again, I felt dislocated. Finally in an area of town where there's people, but still feeling like I'm a visitor. I've been in four different neighborhoods, still seeking for the place to call home. 

This year was closer - being with a community of people from a large range of backgrounds, being outside, in the front yard, handing out candy and smiles and hanging out with friends in their front yard.

Back in the Neighborhood

As I reflect on my Halloween experiences and how those experiences have shaped church cultures and developed my own understanding of neighboring, I recognize my desire to feel settled in a neighborhood. I am grateful for my years of creating community for others, but so desire the change to be part of that community myself, not just watch from the sidelines. 

What began 26-years-ago in my front yard has come full-circle. We're back in a front yard and this fireball of energy still wells up within me at the idea of neighbors coming together. Crazy events like Halloween carnivals continue to teach me and shape me as I listen and observe. 

May we all continue to be challenged and grow at each event and conversation as we interact with priceless people who offer sacred opportunities to share life together. May we choose our neighborhoods, not just a "night off," but the purposeful decision to meet our neighbors, learn names, and build a community that pursues peace together.

Peace!

 (this year Bret and I were Mario and Luigi!)

 

Last Moments with Grandma

Tonight we said goodbye to our grandma.

Today did not end as any of us had expected. Death really does come like a thief in the night. Bed unmade, shoes untied, and purse left behind, life moves fast - enjoy every moment.

On Saturday, after being so excited to celebrate my dad's birthday, Grandma suffered a cardiac-episode. Instead of celebrating with cake and ice cream, Grandma got a ride in the ambulance and a stay in the emergency room.

On Sunday morning, I sat with my Grandma in ER. She was coherent, but not making much sense. 

"Connie?" She asked, "Do you think when I'm through here your Grandpa will come around with the car and take me home?" If you've ever spent a while in conversation with someone who's mind is betraying them, you know it's best to play along instead of inflicting unnecessary pain - like telling my Grandma that Grandpa passed away years ago. Sometimes the desire to be with someone we love trumps the need for logical conversation.

"Yes, Grandma. I'm sure Grandpa will take you home." 

I listened (and answered!) Grandma's nonsensical questions, soaking in her smile and playing along with her real and fantasized scenarios. In my stillness these last few months I am becoming more aware of the presence of God with me in every situation and allowing myself to be present in each moment - not waiting for the next moment or wishing for the last - simply being present in the now. Standing at her bedside I became acutely aware of the gift of looking into her eyes, seeing her smile, and being with her.

"Connie, Grandpa told me last night to stay still on the ground and take all my medicine because it's good for me." I began tearing up considering how thin the layer between the heavens were growing and wondered if I might be standing amongst loved ones. I believe it is quite possible my Grandpa was encouraging her and helping her along - mysterious phenomenon take place as a person's transition nears.

Today, her heart grew weaker and we knew the time had arrived. 

Singing hymns, reading scripture, and praying, my dad, sister, brother and I held her hands as she released her last breath and rested into the arms of her Loving God. 

Perhaps her fantasies were based in more reality than I had realized and I answered her correctly - she really did get to go home with Grandpa tonight and I believe she is now counted among the Great Cloud of Witnesses cheering us on as we continue to run our race. 

She has left us with one-liners that make us laugh, memories that fill our hearts with joy, and recipes that fill our stomachs with tangible love. She has been a fighter, a compassionate connector, and a faithful companion. Her passing even caused the nurse who cared for her for just a few short hours to cry. "Your Grandma was so kind. She knew my name." A few hours before her death - she was still learning her nurses' name and complementing her on her turban. A remarkable woman, indeed.

I could go on and on about her hilarious quirks and dazzling intellect, but for now I will treasure those in my heart to keep me company on rainy days.

I already miss my Grandma immensely, but I look forward to the day when I will see her again. May we live in the present moment enjoying the now of today in light of our hope of tomorrow.

I love you, Grandma.

How would you describe God?

What does a pinecone and a foil ball have in common?

Our topic for class this Wednesday was God, specifically looking at metaphors and similes the Bible uses to describe God to help us understand God. Each week I'm trying to incorporate a hands-on activity to open each class and today's activity proved to be mind-bending. 

I brought to class brown bags, each with an object inside. Each student got the opportunity to feel inside the bag and DESCRIBE the object using only adjectives, metaphors, or similes. My purpose for this activity was to reinforce the idea that metaphors, similes and descriptors are human attempts to understand God - at least a little. The dangers we often run into are when we forget that the metaphors themselves are not God, and when we extend a metaphor too far and get carried away describing what we think we know about the metaphor and not consider what we're actually seeing, feeling, experiencing about God. 

While most of the objects in the bags were lighthearted and easy, all of us were surprised at one particular outcome and how solidly it reinforced the theme of our class.

One gentleman put his hand into the bag and right away knew what it was. He began describing both what he felt and also filled in some extra details with what he thought knew about the object he was touching.

"It is oval in shape and pokey to the touch. Definitely metallic with a rough surface." He didn't go so far as to say it was grey in color, since we already discussed not using the sense of sight. 

What a look of shock on his face when he pulled out a pinecone and not a foil ball. 

This intelligent young man was speechless. "That was so weird. I was so convinced it was a ball of foil that I was thinking of how I would describe a ball of foil more than I was even thinking about the actual object in my hand." 

Fascinating.

How often do our own images and metaphors about God limit our understanding of who God is? How many time have we carried a metaphor too far and given God the attributes of our earthly metaphor instead of leaving space for God to reveal Godself to us?

For example, if I have locked God into the metaphor of "Father" and then have a negative relationship with my father, I may push those negative characteristics onto God. Or even with positive examples of fathers around us, I may take on the notion that God is masculine. Our metaphor in both these cases went too far.

Metaphors, similes, and adjectives are all excellent resources to give us handles on understanding the God of the cosmos - but they are simply handles and not a summary of God as a whole. That kind of understanding is too expansive for our understanding this side of heaven.

May we continue to grow in our understanding of God as we provide space for the Spirit to open our hearts and minds to new levels of knowing and perceiving.

Descansos

Tonight I did something strange.

A few months ago I listened to a book called, "Women Who Run with the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Toward the end of the book, she introduces the idea of "Descansos." 

Descansos is the practice of marking a place where someone's journey in life had been halted. Often these crosses mark a place a person has died. Descansos, however, need not be limited to physical death, but can also mark places where we experienced a closed door, the end of a journey, or any type of loss. Estes says, "Descansos is where you take a look at your life and you see where the small deaths and the big deaths have been and you mark them with a cross." She says that regardless of what kind of trauma/loss a person has experienced, "something has to happen to recognize it, to bless it, to contain it and to leave it." We must physically do something to acknowledge the pain/death so that we can move past the pain/death.

Descansos are "resting places for the parts of you that were on their way to somewhere but never arrived. They mark the death site. They're markers of your dark time, but they're also love notes to your suffering."

Descansos are transformative.

The month of July has been a month of grieving. I've given myself space to be angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad, discouraged, hurt - and every emotion in between. I'm no where near recovered, but I've participated with the Spirit in deep, soul-work as I've dug in the soil of my garden and am slowly experiencing more peace. Today, as I was praying, God reminded me that today is the last day of July - tomorrow the calendar is flipped. 

I read "Women Who Run with the Wolves" back in April and have since been considering parts of my spirit that never grieved from the last church I left and are hurting with grief once again in my most recent departure. I remember I had two weeks of "rest" (a.k.a. chaos and detachment!) between my last two jobs - certainly no time to grieve or process anything. 

Something about the changing of the calendar and witnesses the setting sun illuminated in the clouds, hope was sparked in my heart and I thought, "Perhaps this is the evening to practice Descansos." 

I drove out to Shaw & McCall and placed my descansos - marking my journey that was abruptly halted. I sat in the weeds watching the sunset considering how different my life is today than it was five-and-a-half years ago. The bits of hurt and loss that still linger, I left on the side of the road, on my descansos.

Then I drove across town to Fresno & Bullard to place my second descansos - recognizing my time there: blessing it, containing it, and then leaving it, along with the many emotions I have been carrying. 

As I prepare for sleep tonight, I already feel lighter.

Perhaps acknowledging our pain releases our souls from captivity.

I pray that my anger, frustration, sadness, and grief will stay pinned to the cross at the places I left it. I imagine those grief waves, and other emotional currents, will overtake me here-and-there. But I pray that by God's grace, lovingkindness, and compassion (which are new every morning) I can close this chapter and begin walking into a new month guided and strengthened by the Spirit.

May God continue to make all things new bringing healing and wholeness to each of us.

Adrift ~ How is it with your soul?

*** Written July 11, 2023 ***

In Retreat 1, Session 3 of Transforming Community Ruth Haley Barton taught on the question, "How is it with your soul?"

The minute she asked the question, technically, the minute I read the title for the session, I rolled my eyes. This particular question has been asked of me nearly every month over the past two years to which I had successfully brushed it aside.

Looking back, I believe the person asking the question meant well, but I also think he was ill equip with both resources and time to listen to my honest answer. Perhaps that's why I avoided the question and did not answer, knowing deep down that my soul was not well, but also knowing he did not have the time and energy to know how to help. If I answered the question honestly, would I receive the care and support I needed or would I be marked as a used-good; a soul sucked dry from attending to too many needs of others and being on-the-run for too long? Instead of being honest, I kept my lips sealed and continued to love and serve the people in my care, despite the state of my inner-soul.

Over the last few quiet weeks, I've come back to this question and been pondering why I chose to not be forthright in my response to the question.

Was it because my deep-seeded message "I am not enough" overwhelmed me to the point I was afraid to admit my brokenness and find confirmation that I am "not enough?" Perhaps.

Was it because I didn't want to exude any sign of weakness? Perhaps. I've worked in church-circles in which pastors and staff treat one another like ravenous sharks. Any sign of blood in the water and they become savage and rip apart the one who is bleeding. I learned to show no weakness - no tears, no emotion, no humanity.

Those reasons alone are legitimate enough to not answer the question truthfully. But the more I've sat with my wondering, the more I've decided my hesitation went even deeper. 

If I answered the question honestly, I might be asked to leave. 

Rejection. There it was. 

Strangely enough, I currently feel very much adrift in the ocean, cut off from community. Since my community did not accurately know the deadening of my soul, they threw a party and sent me away to "whatever is next." Instead of walking with me, I feel like my church community put me out on a dingy, and sent me off alone to find my own healing and "rest." 

Feels a bit like rejection - loving rejection. 

They did not know I have not the strength to row nor the stamina to make it to shore.

They did not know the state of my soul was more weary than even I had imagined.

So...I drift...being at the mercy of the waves and the storms on the horizon.

I am certain they would be saddened to know this is how I am feeling. 

But for now, I continue to drift, seeking connection with the One who loves me beyond what I can do or what I can give. I am tired of going through the motions and pretending like all is well. I am disappointed with churches who do not attend to the well-being of their pastors and staff. I am sad for the many, many pastors who have gone before me and did not have adequate care in place to help her/him through this season to reconnect with their First Love, find refreshment and new-life for their souls in Christ, and establish healthy rhythms of spiritual practices, rest, and community. I'm disheartened for the many current pastors and staff who are weary, feel deprived-in-soul, and who are on the brink of throwing in the towel. We need to do better! We need to know how to guide our shepherds and care for those who care for us. Might I have received this kind of care had I been honest, I will never know. Drifting alone is now my life. The good news is I cannot run or be busy - just be still, be quiet, and move just enough to not let the boat tip. 

In Ruth's lecture, she includes specific questions to reflect upon and help assess the state of our soul. These questions give more handles on the ambiguous question, 'how is it with your soul?' and provides concrete ways to measure the state of our soul. Perhaps if the general question had been fleshed out with follow-up questions and examples I may have had an easier time talking this through.

I am grateful to be attending the Transforming Community, giving me resources, care, and support in my journey of soulful recovery. I am reading, listening, reflecting, and though I know this time of quiet and solitude is necessary, I can't help feeling like I am missing a limb - my community. I know this season is what I need for my own healing, but I still miss feeling like I have people who are "my people." My blog-writing and cups of coffee with friends will have to do for now.

As my floating continues and I gently follow the current to where the Spirit is guiding, I am a mix of sadness and anticipation. Sadness at what has been lost, but anticipating what is yet to be found. Thankfully, God is a God who is at work to redeem and restore.

I know God is with me on my raft and I know, once again, the Church did not mean to hurt me. They just didn't know what was happening within me. Thankfully, God did and already had me enrolled in the Transforming Community to keep my raft from floating too far away.

May you be encouraged that you are not alone, no matter how lonely you feel. If you're like me and on a singular raft floating away from your ship or if you're on a larger ship surrounded by people yet still feeling alone, may you hear the words of the Spirit speaking to you that you are loved and you are seen. You are not alone.

"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your Presence? 

If I go up to the heavens, You are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." 

Psalm 139: 7-10

Thanks be to God, 

    for God's constant Presence, 

        long-lasting lovingkindness, 

            and enduring faithfulness.

                Selah

                    My floating continues...

The Filing Cabinet

** Written May 23, 2023 **

As I began the work of emptying my office in preparation for my departure at North Fresno Church, I encountered my filing cabinet.

If you're a filing cabinet fan like me then you might have a favorite kind of cabinet. Filing cabinets come in all sorts of sizes (standard file-size, legal file-size, etc...) and shapes (2-drawers, 5-drawers, etc...). Newer filing cabinets have with low walls - these annoyingly cheapened version of file cabinets force the organized genius to have to purchase metal rack inserts to actually hold documents (perhaps one day I'll figure out the purpose of filing cabinets that do not hold files). Some cabinets are metal and some are wood.

The filing cabinet in my office (in this picture) is lovely. Four clean drawers, each drawer with high walls so no need for cheap metal racks. File folders fit nicely in hanging racks that smoothly push back and forth on the tracks. My nerd friends out there can hear the smooth sound of hanging files being drawn over and back against the tracks. 

This particular filing cabinet has been my companion across three different churches, each church filling a different drawer. Currently, NFC Children's Ministry and Mennonite Brethren Conference documents fill the top two drawers. After some sorting and tossing, my 5+ years here will easily fit within one drawer - especially since I use my digital space well and no longer store as much in my fabulous filing cabinet.

In my packing I was saddened to recognize that I have been so busy with the top two drawers, I have not opened the bottom two drawers for a long time. 

What are in the two bottom drawers?

The secret is safe with me, but suffice to say the ministry I have done at NFC was only half of what I could have brought to this place. 

"Yes, yes," the critics say, "I was not hired to do my other two drawers." 

True - kind of. 

I leave knowing I utilized my skills, experience, gifts and talents within this specific ministry well. 

But if this filing cabinet represents me, then I am also forced to grieve the half of myself that has stayed closed for five-years. 

Have I done my due-diligence and performed my job well, as a true soldier should? Yes. But to what avail - to have only half of me being developed and growing? I reflect on my previous church of 13-years of ministry and know that similarly, though I dipped into more files than at NFC, I also did not bring my whole self to that place. One drawer remained closed.

Is the problem with me in not having the courage to open and display all of me - all four drawers?

Or is the problem with the Church in designing job descriptions that are too small for my four drawers?

I am forced to wonder if there is a place for all of me - all four drawers. Is there a community where a whole Connie can flourish?

No answers needed. I was simply struck by my closed drawers and delighted to find old friends inside.

May God continue reviving parts of me that have been asleep too long. It is time to wake up.

Tending the Garden to Thrive

Nothing tastes like spring so much as fresh strawberries for breakfast each morning. Though the heat is bringing my strawberry season to an end, I continue to consider lessons from my garden.

Today I noticed that my harvest contained berries of various sizes. One berry in particular had grown to an incredible size, compared to my standard, hormone-free, backyard strawberries.

As I brought the berries inside to be washed and cut into my bowl I reflected on why the same plants receiving the same care would produce such different fruit.

As the one who waters the plants daily, I can attest that each plant receives the same amount of water. 

As the one who prunes the plants, I can attest that each plant receives the same pruning.

As the one who adds compost to the roots of the plants, I can attest that each plant receives the same amount of compost. 

With those variables set aside, I must consider what other factors are going on that I do not see. What other systems are at play in producing this enormous berry compared to the smaller berries? What is happening under the soil that I may not see without deeper investigation?

What are the factors that have caused this berry to grow and thrive?

Perhaps my soil is not level so the water runs to one side of my container more than another.

Perhaps in spreading my compost, this one plant received the lion's share of it without me being aware. Or maybe my compost was not mixed in such a way to spread out all the nutrients available.

Perhaps its an issue of placement. One plant was simply planted in a better position than the others. 

Perhaps as I dig out older plants and replace them with younger plants I have not paid attention to strawberry varieties.

Perhaps this plant is a newer plant that has seen far fewer 100+ temperature summer days than the berry plants surrounding it.

They are all strawberry plants, so they should all thrive equally, but instead, they produce different sized berries.

I was not being intentional in setting one plant up against another, but as the keeper of my garden, it is my job, now that I see the discrepancy, to make some adjustments and rearrange some plants and soil. As the gardener, part of my watering mornings are looking at how plants are growing and the fruit they are producing and then to work backward to isolate, identify and change my planter box in the hope that all my plants can thrive and have a chance to produce lovely, large berries.

Whether in my garden, in life, or in ministry, this analogy holds true. Once we see a discrepancy, let's do some digging and figure out how to help all reach their potential.

Our Belovedness Tested

Christians are in the beginning week of Lent, the Church tradition of walking with Jesus for the 40-days leading up to Easter (not including Sundays).

The lectionary this year began the first Sunday of Lent with Jesus' temptation in the wilderness as found in Matthew 4:1-11.

Many churches across the world opened our Bibles on Sunday to Matthew 4 and jumped straight into the text of Jesus fasting in the wilderness for 40-days and then being tempted by the Devil. 

In my freshman year of college, I took a course through the Gospel of Matthew from Dr. Edmund Janzen. We read through Matthew chronologically, spending significant time with each story as they built on each other. I remember Dr. Janzen teaching through Matthew 4 showing the three temptations Jesus had to overcome: economic, religious and political. What so few church attenders realize (especially since we so often read the Sunday text on the screen instead of the scripture in our hands) is how the story of Jesus is building story-by-story. Only after Dr. Janzen spent significant time in Matthew 3 (and probably a test too!) did he proceed to Jesus' temptation in the wilderness in chapter 4. I imagine most pastors framed their Sunday sermon within verses of 1-11 without acknowledging one important word, "Then." 

In every translation, Matthew 4:1 begins with "then." 

"Then" is not a preposition providing a nice transition into a new story but a linking adverb, linking the moving parts of the previous story with the new one being told - helping the story of Jesus build.

What story came before Jesus' Temptation? 

Jesus' Baptism.

Most people refer to Matthew 4 as a time of Jesus being tested, but what was it he was tested on?

It wouldn't make sense to be given a test on material you hadn't yet learned. So we have to use the "then" linking adverb and look back a chapter to see what Jesus had just learned that the Tempter is testing him on.

Matthew 3:16-17 reads, "And after being baptized, Jesus went up immediately from the water; and behold, the heavens were opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending as a dove, and coming upon Him, and behold, a voice out of the heavens saying, 'This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased.'" 

The three take-aways Jesus learned at His baptism were:

1. He is God's Son

2. He is Loved

3. God, His Father, is well-pleased with Him

Jesus' baptism is central to His story because until He believes these truths, until He is confident with whose He is and who He is, He will not be successful at bringing God's Kingdom on earth.

In the desert, the Devil was testing to see if Jesus trusts that he is indeed God's Beloved. The three lessons Jesus learned at His baptism could be applied to His three temptations in the wilderness.

Will Jesus trust in the goodness of God when He is hungry and is lacking basic needs? (4:3-4) Jesus is confident He is God's Son and that God would provide for His needs.

Will Jesus follow the Way of His Father, the way of love, when the way of the world has seeped into religion and is scheming with power, manipulation, and abuse? (4:5-7) Jesus is confident that He is loved even when religion tells Him He is not enough and manipulates laws to bait and trap Him.

Will He trust to follow His Father in the way of sacrifice when politics are against Him and the kingdoms of this earth threaten Him with glory and power? (4:8-10) Jesus is confident that His Father is pleased with Him so He has no need to seek glory or power.

As I consider my own life and the temptations I face, I am struck at realizing how often I disregard the truth of being God's Beloved Daughter, the core identity so foundation to Jesus' life and ministry. I so frequently hear the lies that I'm not enough and not wanted that the contrary and truthful voice of Jesus has a hard time getting through the onslaught of lying voices. I can't even begin to settle into the God-being-pleased with me part of Jesus' baptism because I still haven't wholly and completely believed I am God's Beloved Daughter. Lord, in Your mercy, hear my prayers. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Oh, I know I'm loved intellectually, but...

    ...do my actions reflect that belief? 
    ...does my self-talk reflect that belief?
    ...do I have courage to live in a way that shows the world that belief?

On Sunday our pastor encouraged us to follow the way of Jesus in the wilderness by combatting the lies of the Devil with truths from the Scriptures. The verse I commit to memorizing deep in my heart is the voice of the Father to Jesus, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased." I'll change the 'son' to daughter, and then speak this breath-prayer as a form of retaliation against the aggressive voices seeking to diminish and dispose of me.

As the powers of this world continue to attempt to silence our uniqueness as God's creation and erase our belovedness let us lean into the truth that Jesus modeled and invites us into: the truth of our belovedness and trusting that God is pleased with us. 

Perhaps all those years ago my professor was right that the desert temptations are indeed economic, religious and political but before we can battle the powers of this world, we must answer the deeper questions of if we believe we are God's beloved and if we believe that God is pleased with us. Only after we are anchored in our identity in Christ can we trust and follow in the way of our Savior in the face of the powers of our world.

Can This Dust Live?

 My 2023 reflection on Ash Wednesday:

Though I was not raised in a Catholic or Orthodox tradition, I have always been fascinated by the mysteries of God uncovered by women and men who create spiritual rhythms (even seasons like Lent and Advent) to help us step into these mysteries by giving us handles to guide us along the way. 

Most guides I have read and experienced emphasize this idea of dust and connect Ash Wednesday to Genesis 3:19 speaking the words, "For you are dust and to dust you shall return." (NASB) 

Every living organism, be that human, animal, or plant is made up of earthly matter - matter which has its origin on earth. All living organisms, likewise, return to dust, as the author of Genesis eloquently states at the end of its lifespan.

We live in a closed-ecosystem in which no matter has left. The elements that made our earth billions of years ago are the same elements at work today. Yes, they change shape and purpose, but all the pieces of this place are the same. Similarly, the elements of every human who has ever lived, from the small miscarried baby to a dying 100-year-old, is still present on earth. 

When I ponder the significance of dust and ashes on Ash Wednesday, I can't help consider the magnitude and importance of our closed-system and wonder how this concept connects with the story of Jesus. 

During most Ash Wednesday services, participants are invited to receive the imposition of ashes - a time when ashes are wiped on a person's forehead or hand in the form of a cross accompanied by the words from Genesis, "For you are dust and to dust you shall return." In a very tangible way, this sign of the cross on our foreheads is an acknowledgement of our humanity and finitude. We all will again be dust. 

Five years ago I was given the gift to bestow the ashes for the first time. As a recipient, what we hear is the reminder that we will again return to dust - not necessarily words of comfort. But as the giver of the ashes, what I see is the cross. 

The Good News of Ash Wednesday is not in the ashes, but is in the sign of the cross.

These 'words of comfort' we so readily speak over people on Ash Wednesday are dooms-dayish and might possibly leave the participant hopeless and discouraged if separated from the work of Jesus. Our Ash Wednesday observances must be experienced through the cross.

Oftentimes, creative pastors (like myself) enjoy guiding people into these dark spaces of reflection to best feel and identify with our frailty and brokenness. Especially in contexts where the dark, hard, and ugly things of life are swept under the carpet, intentionally stepping into these spaces is good.

But what about people who live surrounded by darkness?

What about people who already feel hopeless?

What about people who are discouraged and don't have much hope for tomorrow?

How do our Ash Wednesday Services help these people? 

Our creativity to step into these dark places can be crippling to people already in the dark. I know we creative-types often enjoy the dark and the strong emotions those places bring, but we also need to be aware of the people we bring into these places and be sure to guide them back out - not leave them in darkness for 40-days. 

40-days is the time Jesus spent in the wilderness fasting and praying.

40-days is the time between Ash Wednesday and Easter (not including Sabbath/Sundays). 

But 40-days is a long time in the dark. 

As I reflected on the tension I was feeling between Ash Wednesday being a melancholy tradition and our hope found in Jesus Christ, the Spirit brought my attention to Ezekiel 37. In this text, the Spirit of God brings the prophet Ezekiel out into the desert and shows him a valley of dry bones. The Spirit asks Ezekiel the question, "Son of man, can these bones live?"

Being smarter than us 21st-Century theologians, the wise Ezekiel answers, "Sovereign Lord, you alone know." 

Within the next verses that transpire, the Spirit of God lifts these bones and ashes up from the ground. The Spirit attaches sinews, tendons, and muscle; covers the bodies with flesh and skin before finally breathing life into this giant army. 

Jesus also died. Jesus let go of His Spirit on the cross and succumbed to the curse of death that all of us will one day confront. Jesus' body was laid in a tomb to endure the slow decomposing into dust - but something tremendously different and wonderful occurred.

Just like the army of bones Ezekiel saw in the Old Testament, Jesus also experienced the breath of God breathing life back into his bones.

The Spirit of God used Jesus' material matter of this earth and recycled him into a New Creation. One that looked like a gardener with fresh dirt under his fingernails; recognizably Jesus one minute and unidentifiable the next. The tomb was empty because resurrection uses up our earthly matter to transform us into a New Creation in Jesus Christ.

As I reflect on identifying with my humanity and the ashes to which I will one day return, I also must connect the hope I have in the resurrection and New Creation found with the salvific work of Jesus as part of my narrative. Celebrating Ash Wednesday, separated from the cross, is hopeless. Honoring Ash Wednesday as a way to lean into our humanity with the comfort of the Cross tempers our fear of tomorrow and gives us a grounding hope that returning to ash will not be the end of our story just as it was not the ending story of Jesus. 

As you may have received ashes yesterday, please remember the hope of the resurrection we have in Christ Jesus. Let's remember to enter the barrenness and darkness of the desert with Jesus as our guide.

From dust we shall indeed return - but that is not the end of our story anchored in Jesus.

 

The Power Behind the Hook

Have you ever watched a fish wriggle and flip when it's pulled out of water? 

Swimming along, the fish eats something that looks and smells like food.

The fish continues swimming only to be yanked backward and discover it is caught; the delicious morsel was not food, but bait. 

The tug of the fishermen fastens the ingested metal hook deep into its body cavity. The fish cannot be freed on its own.

The fish fights against the pulling of the fisherman as it attempts to swim away. 

But the more it fights, the more imbedded the hook penetrates and anchors itself.

The more it wriggles and flips, the more of a prisoner it becomes.

Is the fish acting aggressively? Yes.

Might the fish hurt the fisherman in their anxious attempt to breathe? Yes.

Is the fish suffocating? Yes.

Notice who is calm in this story? 

The fisherman. The person with the hook - the person with power.

Who looks out-of-control in this story? The fish. The one with the hook in it's mouth.

Perhaps we need discernment to not discount the fish trying to breathe, but to also notice the person in the calm of the boat holding the power of the hook.

 

I Thought Wrong

I thought we were creating a culture of TOV.

I thought we were working toward a culture of goodness.

I thought we were putting the individual before the organization.

I thought we were prioritizing Christlike service over hierarchy.

I thought I had been adopted into a family.

I thought my voice mattered.

I thought I was more than what I did.

I thought we were moving toward Jesus.

I thought we were being truthful.

I thought this was a place of healing.

I thought I was working with friends.

I thought my education, experience, and gifts were blessings.

I thought wrong.

Prayer & Fasting - Week 1

Week 1

"Prayer Method"

Lectio Divina. This is an ancient practice of reading a short amount of scripture and then meditating on it. 'Lectio Divina' is Latin for 'Divine Reading." If you're new to Lectio Divina, I recommend beginning by spending 2-minutes on each step (5-minutes is the goal). It's always better to start small and desire more than to start too large and get bored. This is a prayer practice which will take time to learn.

Lectio Divina is a template to help you connect with God. You are welcome to adjust the structure. One of the goals of Lectio Divina is to guide us in listening to the Spirit and set us up for spiritual transformation. 

For many of us raised on transactional prayer practices where we feel the need to barter with God or convince God into action, this practice will feel like you're wasting your time. Deep soul work takes time and begins from the inside-out. In allowing the Spirit to transform us, our prayers, then become more aligned with God's heart so we can partner with God as whole and healed people for the sake of our world.

1. READ 

Read the Colossians scripture slowly 3x.

2. REFLECT

Ask the Spirit of God to reveal a word or phrase that stands out to you from the text. Reflect on that word/phrase. Consider it's meaning, history, your experience with that word/phrase. Listen to the Spirit bringing to your mind related thoughts and/or experiences. 

3. WRITE

Spend time writing about your reflections. Why did you choose that word/phrase? Why was it highlighted by the Spirit for you? What emotions does this word/phrase bring up for you? What is happening in your life that this word/phrase may be speaking into? Turn your reflections into a prayer. 

4. REST

Suspend all thought and sit quietly with God. If your thoughts begin to wander, recite your word/phrase from above to bring you back to your focus. Trust that God heard your worry, anxiety and/or longing, and is acting on your behalf. 

Monday, January 9th

Colossians 1:1-2

Tuesday, January 10th

Colossians 1:3-8

Wednesday, January 11th

Colossians 1:9-12

Thursday, January 12th

Colossians 1:13-16

Friday, January 13th

Colossians 1:17-20

Saturday, January 14th

Colossians 1:21-23

Sunday, January 15th

Colossians 1:24-29

2023 City Prayer Nights

 

Prayer & Fasting

Today begins 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting. 

Learning to pray is a life-long journey of communicating and being transformed by our Loving God while we witness God's interaction in our lives. Though I have been praying since I was a child, I recognize I still have so much more to learn and experience in prayer while also being grateful for the depths of God I have come to know through prayer.

Why Fast and Pray?

I bring these two practices together as a way of centering my heart, mind, and spirit on God while holding something else close (a situation, a person, a need, etc...). 

Fasting helps me quiet my bodily desires and abilities. This causes me a greater experience of silence. Fasting can be done in numerous ways. For a quick summary on fasting logistics, history and encouragement, click on the fasting brochure link below. If time allows, I may write about my personal experience of fasting in a later blog. My perspectives and approach have changed and continue to change. 

In seasons of fasting, we find we also have more time to spend in prayer. (NOTE: Unless you're in the stage of life where you have children at home in which case, fasting doesn't automatically give you "extra time." A key to experiencing a life-giving time of prayer begins with acknowledging the season you're in and giving yourself grace to participate in Prayer & Fasting in a manner that works best for you. We can't chart where we want to go without knowing first where we are.) I have learned I am more transformed in the silent embrace of God's presence than I am in rigorous study. With that said, however, I also believe we need to read scripture and listen closely for God's Spirit speaking to us in the text. "Praying" over the next 21 Days will be a time in which we weave together scriptures, prayers, and silence, allowing the Spirit of God to hover over our scriptures and speak to our hearts.

What can I Expect in Reading this Prayer Blog about Prayer?

We'll be reading through the book of Colossians over the next three weeks. I've mapped out Colossians so as to provide a short scripture to read each day. I chose Colossians because it is a book that speaks about prayer as well as the spiritual powers and dominions at work in our world. My focus through Colossians will be to equip us with scripture as we step into contemplative prayer, transformational prayer, and join with God in praying for God's Kingdom to Come into our cities, workplaces, families, churches, schools, and communities. I'm not going to write reflections with each scripture this year. I am confident if you use the text from Colossians and follow the prayer guide you will learn, hear and be transformed. 

I'll start off each week with a "Prayer Practice" to try for that week. The prayer practice will be a guide to structure your time and will involve a text from Colossians, reflection and silence (and yes, those are different). If you're someone who journals, this is a good season to write what you're hearing the Spirit speak (no matter how unusual). I like to track what I'm hearing, experiencing, sensing, and ways I'm seeing God interact with me. Maybe even jot down your focus word or phrase that you meditate on each day. 

I'll post every Monday morning (Sunday night if I'm on it) each week with the Prayer & Fasting graphic so it's easy to spot. I may post other reflections on the reading from Colossians or my experience in prayer and fasting, but those will not have the logo. 

My hope is that at the end of the 21 days, you'll have three new ways to pray and also a better understanding of praying through scripture.

My prayer is that those things that have been tearing at your heart, or weighing down your spirit would experience God's presence, be surrounded by God's healing and that you would experience freedom and answers from God. 

I believe wholeheartedly that God does hear our prayers and our cries for help. God desires to be our partner in life - the good and the bad. Let's set out on this journey over the next 21 days to experience the power and the presence of God. 

City-Wide Prayer Nights

If you live in the Fresno/Clovis Area, another component of this 21 Days of Prayer & Fasting focus is a chance to pray with others each night. Below is a link to our 2023 City Prayer Nights. Spending time in silent prayer is life-giving for our souls. But in corporate prayer, God really gets to shine! Our faith was meant to be lived and expressed within community. The book of Colossians itself was written by Paul to a community of believers in Colossae. It was a book to be read in the presence of others - prayed together with others. I encourage you to look over the list of churches and choose at least one church to attend. Go with the decision to engage in prayer with the people there. Even better, look for a church that is different than the church you attend. God speaks in a variety of ways and is alive and well in churches across our cities, speaking in numerous languages and cultures. Embrace the beauty of diversity this season as we get to step into the churches of our sisters and brothers and pray together. 

Blessings to you on your journey! May God be near.

Pastor Connie 

2023 City Prayer Nights

2023 Prayer Brochure