It takes a lot to knock me down. I tend to be enough of a fighter that when someone pushes, I push back harder. I don't give in very easily.
I am also someone who is not quick to say that anytime something goes wrong, I must be under some kind of spiritual attack.
Funny how we often make these blanket statements just to have them blow up in our faces. Unfortunately, I am quickly discovering my weak spot. It's not a "thorn in the flesh" kind of weakness like Paul talks of nor is it a daily struggle with a sin issue or anythng like that. No...it feels more like someone has broken my crutch that I have been relying on for strength. Until I can figure out a different way to move- I am stuck!
Since mid-May my voice has been growing steadily weaker. It is not gone completely, but I cannot speak very loudly, I cannot project, and worst of all...I cannot sing. Now if you're someone who does not live and breathe worship you will not understand anything else I am about to say.
When my world is in scrambles- I turn to God in worship. When my heart is heavy- I turn to God in worship. When my spirit wants to rejoice - I turn to God in worship. When my life feels like it is spinning too fast and I a loosing sight of my Father - I worship. I don't play the piano or the guitar like some glamorous worship leader or famed musician. My goal has never been to be musically astute. My only goal is to use the gift of music God has given me to reach Him through worship.
This week has been Vacation Bible School. Have I been able to lead the children? Barely. I wonder if they can even hear or understand what I'm saying. It is so frustrating to be unable to communicate the message of God with these young people who have come and are ready to be challenged and grow! I am encouraged by the children that have come. I love seeing our amazing youth minister and play with the children. I am blessed by the adults who are giving their time and energy to touch young lives. But it breaks my heart that I cannot participate. I can barely talk with guests bringing their children. I can hardly speak with my precious volunteers. And worst, with my heart so very heavy...I can't even cry in worship to God! (Oh, don't worry, I've done a lot of crying...but I want to sing!!!)
Ugg...it is so very frustrating!
I was playing my guitar earlier today and couldn't help by whisper this song, "I Remain in You." It's one of those songs I lean on when the going gets tough. Satan may have broken my crutch, I may feel like I can't reach my Father through worship, I even may feel like I'm alone, but I will always remain in Him. It's a great song.
"How do I seek Your face when my flesh needs Your hands,
What must I do Oh Lord there's a need to understand.
I vow to sing though it feels You have slayed me with Your ways,
Let my grief be worship and still say, "Bless Your Holy Name."
I remain in You
I remain in You
Wherever I go, Lord, and whatever I do
I will remain in You."
Satan can take my voice so I cannot sing, cut off my fingers so I cannot play...but he will never have my worship.
Bless the Name of the Lord.
