**I had this experience in February but am finally getting time to write it. I hope this story brings freedom to my friends who suffer from hearing the same voice. **
I sent another email in December and another in February—still
no reply. Do I just trust I am cleared to graduate? No, I must keep pressing…just
in case.
After an email to my Advisor I discovered there was one more
class.
Before the spring semester began, I had tried to register
for this last class (and actually added it to my schedule 2x!) but was unable
to click the registration button.
Now I found myself in February, unable to click the
darn “register” button and needing now to complete online forms for a late class
addition and pay a late fee. I won’t bore you with all the details because
after more hoop-jumping to get it on my schedule with the help of my advisor
and the Registrar’s office I am set to go (and the late fee waived). All ended
well, but in the process, I had a confrontation with an internal voice.
In the middle of filling out paperwork and sending emails back and forth my heart raced, I got very, very angry and then found myself in a lump of tears over my desk. In between his online courses my son found me in tears worried, “Are you
okay, mom? What happened?”
“I don’t even know.”
I pushed away from the computer and asked God, “What happened? Why
did this event cause me to flip-out so dramatically? What is causing my
extreme anxiety in adding this one class?”
Quiet.
I waited.
Sitting in silence—I heard it.
The internal record that plays in the background of my heart:
“You’ll never be enough. You can keep adding degrees—but
you are not enough. The problem is you..you are not enough”
The ugly Shame Monster that lives within me roared its insults
against my identity, reminding me of the many, many ways I fall short and do
not measure up, many being beyond my own power.
As this monster kept attacking and my internal self sat shaking,
I became aware of what was happening.
I knew (logically) the accusations were not true, but in my
heart I still believe them.
Up came decades of pain. Decades of voices and situations in
which I was diminished, pushed-down, and discarded. Instead of silencing my
tears, I let them flow. I would like to say those situations were not true or that I misheard the voices...but they are within me loud and clear. The pain of “not enough” was at the root of my anxious
emails. This life-long cycle of always falling short was the lens in which I was
seeing.
Through my tears, I began to hear other voices. From a
distance at first—but getting louder. Voices of love. Voices of encouragement.
Voices of courage. Voices of friends.
When Shame is attacking, it casts a shadow over our heart and blocks our ability to hear or see around it. Becoming aware of Shame allowed me to get beside it to hear the voices it had diminished behind it. I can’t say the Shame Monster is gone, but it did not win this round. I am grateful
for the steps I have learned to recognize Shame, name it, and be aware of the
power it has (or tries to have) over me.
I had to laugh out-loud when the next day I received
a call from Fresno Pacific informing me I had been chosen to be the recipient of the Seminary’s
2021 Outstanding Graduate Award. My initial reaction was, "Why me? I'm not enough." As the thought crossed my mind I recognized it from the day before and told Shame to be quiet. Perhaps, I am enough. And just perhaps (thankfully) not everyone sees me through my negative lens, but sees God-at-work in me, through me, and often-times, in spite of me.
My encouragement to my friends is to be aware of Shame lurking inside, call it out when you hear its accusations, don't let it have power over you. Most importantly, allow yourself to receive and remember the voices of your friends and community when they share how they see God you.
To God be the glory,
Connie
