Another Loss of 2020

2020 has been a year of loss and disappointment. My friends and family have experienced these in abundance this year so I hesitate to even articulate my loss - since it is coming from a privileged position and is not nearly as catastrophic as many others have experienced this year.

That said, I woke up this morning sad because today I should have been in London. 

I am 44-years-old and somehow I have not managed to get off the North American continent. That may sound like a petty problem and in many respects it is - but whenever I try to travel abroad something prevents me. Family commitments and work priorities have so dominated my life that unless I could go somewhere via family or work it just wouldn't happen.

I've lead mission trips to Mexico and been to conferences in Canada. We even got to travel to Canada two years ago - just for fun! But getting off the continent - that has continued to be difficult.

Last January I had the opportunity to interview Christy Wimber for a class paper. At the end of our conversation she invited me to the "Effective Leadership" conference happening in England on November 13-15. I had almost gone to the conference in 2019 but it fell on the same weekend as our church's anniversary celebration so I could not attend. 

"Maybe I'll go next year," I contemplated. 

With the seed of possibilities already in my spirit, Christy's personal invitation sent me through the ceiling with excitement. 

It was to be a conference for women in leadership (those don't occur too often!). And not just leadership, but church leadership. Not a conference to "be a better leader," but to simply be together, pray together, learn from one another, and support each other. Being a female church leader is far different (not better or worse- just different!) from being a man in church leadership. Likewise, it is different from leading a non-profit or serving as a teacher or a director of an organization. Then add the nuances of a "woman-pastor" - I cannot even begin to explain the strange loneliness, isolation and exclusion I have experienced in my stint as pastor (not necessarily in the current place I'm serving, but within other organizations and interactions with other pastors and leaders).

I had hoped this would be a weekend where I could be fully me.

Worshipping in an old church, listening to encouragement from women pastors, drinking tea at an English Teahouse, so many hopes...

I won't bore you with more of my ideas as to what I might have experienced since we all know the end of the story. 

The conference was moved to an online forum due to COVID-19 - though sad at the change, I understood and supported the decision. 

"It's okay," I told myself, "at least I'll still get to log onto Zoom and kind of be present to worship, talk, and share." 

Last week, due to rising COVID numbers, the pastors in England are needing to, once again, pivot quickly how they serve their communities - the conference was cancelled.

Once again, I understood. It makes sense logically, but my heart was sad.

All this week I kept thinking, what is happening on the 14th? Why is this date so ingrained in my mind? Oh yeah, the conference. I don't think I had realized how much I have been craving connection (with people I don't even know - mind you!) and was hoping to be able to find space to simply worship, pray and be together (even online!).

So today I'm a tad melancholy. 

I'm smart enough to know the logic behind the decisions and do not blame anyone...but I am sad.

Responding to COVID-19

I've been asked multiple times how I am responding to the COVID-19 situation.

I've been hesitant to want to share much on social media because I believe my response to each person's question is uniquely formed for the person who is doing the asking.

I do not believe this is the time for a 'one-size-fits-all' response, but varies depending on with whom I'm conversing.

In 1 Corinthians 8 and 9, Paul expresses the freedom in Christ has has found that allows him to eat food once thought to be unclean. His caution in these two chapters is not in the freedom of this discovery as much as in the self-limiting posture he chooses to make on behalf of others. While he may be perfectly content eating meat sacrificed to idols, to someone else, this action would inhibit them from hearing about Jesus and thus being a stumbling block to faith. "Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak." 1 Corinthians 8:9

As we navigate these uncharted waters of quarantine and care, I would encourage you to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's guidance as to how to guide and care for people. While some activities (like going to the grocery store) may sound harmless to you, it could be a health-risk for others. We cannot shame someone for grocery shopping just like we cannot judge someone else for continuing to go to work.

Some people need to be strongly encouraged to practice self-care by self-quarantining themselves for their safety and health. Perhaps you fall into the category of 65+ or a compromised immune system or you are the care-giver of someone with that description. I would hope you are giving yourself permission to stay home. Please reach out to others in your circle-of-care to run errands and gather groceries for you. I've noticed this age demographic does not want to burden others - but this is not the time to be a super-hero and serve others, this is a season to care for yourself by self-isolating. God, I pray you would surround people who identify with this description with your peace as we feel afraid and vulnerable. I pray as we reach out for help and put our trust in other people that you would surround us with circles of support and care so that each of us can "feel" you near, even in this time of intangibility.

Others suddenly find themselves being overloaded with additional responsibilities. Many are being asked to work the same number of hours, but now from home while they are also tending to children, children's school work, and feeding a house-full of people three-meals-a-day. I pray for the moms and dads in this stage of life, that you would give us strength, energy and compassion as we calm the anxiety of our children, sooth souls with warm meals and coordinate schedules to still get our own work done. Give us an extended level of grace as we stumble often, but continue to keep pressing onward. I pray for peace in the home and for relational tension to be eased. May Your Spirit abide in our homes. 

Some people are looking for a place to help. They may find themselves within the range of a "COVID-19 Healthy Person." Many agencies and non-profits need people to help. Our schools are continuing to provide lunches/breakfasts for children in our community. Our 'older' or overwhelmed neighbors may appreciate someone to go to the store for them. This is your opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus in a very tangible way. If you don't already know your neighbors, introduce yourself and offer your services to help them stay safe. I pray for discernment as we listen for what You are calling us to do and how/who to lean toward during this season. Show us one or two with whom we can make a difference.

For others, the fear of this situation has been crippling. Too much news can indeed be too much news. I challenge you that whatever negative you are inputting, to be equalizing (or go beyond) that amount of positive input. Positive input can be going for a walk, listening to music, petting your dog, reading your Bible, sitting in silence, writing in a journal, taking pictures, painting a picture, writing a poem. Give yourself time to process. We can't process if we're constantly inputting. Make margins to protect your emotional and mental health as you give yourself permission to take care of yourself by going for a walk or writing a card. Remember especially, that you are not alone. God, I pray Your presence would calm anxious hearts. Give us permission to turn off our televisions and instead listen to our heartbeats and focus on You. Quiet the noise around us so we can hear Your steadfast voice reassuring us that You are near. 

This is an unprecedented time in which we are called to care for one another and ourselves. I have heard many encouraging stories of people helping other people. I am praying this crisis can bring us together as a collective group and not pull us apart as individuals.

Let's continue to care for the marginalized, the weak and the vulnerable - but have discernment to know who's who. Who needs to be encouraged to help and who need to be encouraged to stay home.

Let us not throw shame or judge others - we don't know their story.

Let's remember to love like Jesus - wholeheartedly and creatively.

May God's peace, presence and power be with you as we walk through this time together. Keep reaching out. We need each other now more than ever.

Connie

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In this world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Do You See It?

View of the south-side of Mount Shasta

 Driving home from Oregon two days ago I experienced the most terrifying moments of my life. 

Bret had been driving for four hours. We had stopped for breakfast in Grants Pass but it was now time for a second cup of coffee in Weed.

As we stopped to stretch our legs, I told my kids to look for Mount Shasta (which was currently encased in clouds).

"Believe it or not, there's a magnificent mountain behind those clouds. If you're patient, you might catch a glimpse of it." We got our coffee and stood in the parking lot waiting to catch the view. (see picture)

Two hours later we switched drivers in Redding. With a full tank of gas, the kids watching a movie in the back, and Bret getting comfortable in the passenger seat I moved into the fast lane, happy to set my cruise control at 80 mph on our way home to Fresno.

Thirty miles south of Redding, both lanes of traffic were flowing at fast speeds and were full of semi-trucks and cars. I know the age-old rule of never driving in someone's blind spot, but when both lanes are traveling at fairly equal rates and are tight with traffic, it's hard to stay out of someone's blind spot.

Suddenly, without warning, the car a few feet ahead of me in the right lane merged into my lane.

I tried to break lightly hoping the driver would eventually see me and back-off.

He did not.

Within milliseconds, I was pushed onto the shoulder.

I tried to ride the shoulder and not get dragged too far into the median while I eased down harder on the breaks realizing I've got to slow my car down. With my front-wheels breaking, my back wheels began to sway, catching my back left wheel in the gravel outside the shoulder and sucking my car into the median.

It's amazing how fast our minds can race in the middle of an emergency...

Years ago, Bret and I had rented a wave-runner at Shaver Lake. I remember driving over a large wave that made me nervous. Worried I was going to flip us over, I let off the gas (which for a wave-runner is equivalent to pressing the brakes) which spun Bret and I both off the boat, knocking Bret in the head. That experience taught me that suddenly breaking when traveling at an accelerated rate will produce unexpected torques and turns - it's much better to ease speed down, if possible.

With a tight grip on the steering wheel I was fighting to keep my car facing forward. North-bound traffic was just a few yards to the left of me, as was the South-bound traffic behind me.

I've never wrestled an alligator, but that is my best comparison. My car pulled left, so I pulled right. It pulled right, so I pulled left. Every tiny movement of my steering wheel was amplified by my speed as I tried to keep us from spinning out completely or flipping over into on-coming traffic.

What felt like forever finally ended as my van came to a stop landing perpendicular in the middle of CA I5 South. I glanced over my right shoulder at my two children and the on-coming traffic in the window.

My next thought: my children are in on-coming traffic. 

All I could see in my back window was a semi-truck.

..........................................................

Since you're obviously reading this story a few days after this incident, there's a good ending. 

The semi-truck and all other traffic had seen the car run me off the road. They had backed off and had come to a crawl. Have you ever seen a police officer perform a traffic-break? It was like there was a supernatural break-in-traffic, surrounding our car.

My car wouldn't turn on as we sat still on the freeway.

After a few deep breaths, I got it on.
"We're okay, Connie," my husband said kindly and calmly, "just put it into drive."

The truck behind me flashed his lights to signal to go ahead and adjust my car to drive forward. He was buffering me to help make a path for me to get off the freeway. Other cars gave me space to merge over into the right lane and soon I was off the freeway.

Up the off-ramp. Signal to turn right. Break at the stop sign. Look both ways. Turn onto the road. Drive a few more yards to a place to pull over. Put the car in park. Turn the car off.
My brain was reduced to auto-pilot. We were off the road and out-of-danger.

"Are you okay?" my husband gently asked.

The dam of emotions broke and I began to weep and shake.

We all got out to give each other hugs and check on Crosby (that's my car's name, her color is Bing Cherry). Except for gravel being impelled deep on her underside, she looked good.

A white van pulled up behind us and a woman got out.

"I saw the whole thing and knew this was a family van so I wanted to make sure you were okay. Can I give you a hug?" With tears streaming from both our eyes, a mom I do not know embraced me.  "That was some fancy driving. I thought for sure you were going to flip. You did good."

Suffice to say, I didn't drive home.

Once we were back on the road, I quietly teared up thinking of so many "what ifs" that would have been tragic for my family. On all counts, no damage was done. I believe our lives were spared on Tuesday. God helped me wield my car, surrounded us with a buffer of protection and a space where we were safe to drive (crazily) in the median. I'm doing my best to keep the potential-tragedy-thoughts at bay and instead focus on the reality of extreme blessings we experienced in this story.

I also have to be honest with not even knowing how to share my thankfulness. While I am aware that our lives were spared on Tuesday, three of my friends have died in car accidents in my life-time. I would never claim God was with me and not with my friends. Somehow - though I may never understand - I believe God is good and with us all the time, in tragedy and in joy. I do not believe God ordains, or wills the tragedy - I believe He is a God of love, never seeking retribution but always seeking restoration. (as you can tell...lots of internal processing going on...)

I've been thinking a lot about that majestic mountain that is so often shrouded in clouds and hard to see - or even know is there. Regardless of whether I believe it is there or not, or spend time gazing to catch a glimpse of it or not - the mountain remains. I experienced the power of that majesty touching earth on Tuesday and am forever grateful to God.

May you spend time looking for God-at-work in your life and in our world. Just like Mount Shasta, God is here - look and see! 

The north-side of Mount Shasta

"I lift my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you - the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." ~ Psalm 121