Trust in Jesus

"Never will I leave you, nor forsake you."

I was awoken at 4:40 by my husband with the words, "We have a problem, Anna is in the bathroom and not responding."

I jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom to find my 14-year-old completely comatose, chalky-white and unresponsive.  After a few seconds of rubbing her hand, rubbing her cheeks and calling her name, Anna came back to us.  She cried and was frightened.  Once she was calmed down I asked how long she had been in here.

"I woke up with my stomach hurting a lot, then came into the bathroom.  The pain was so bad, all I could do was pray.  That's the last thing I remember."

The words still ring in my ear.  Anna's last conscious choice before she passed out was to pray to her Savior.  It gives me great comfort to know that while Bret & I were sleeping, Anna was not alone.

In a world so full of unexpected pain and fear, I am encouraged by Anna's faith and trust in Jesus Christ.  With still no answers, our biggest weapon is to pray.

Dear God, give us wisdom, protect my daughter, hold her close and don't let her go...thank you for never leaving her.

The Courage of Friendship

I find myself, for some reason, in a somber mood tonight.

The idea of friendship is strange.  For a period of time, we are given friends whose lives run parallel with ours.  Although I am not arguing that friends are a gift from God, I am, however, fully aware that friends have a tendency to bring me pain.  I know I am not the only one who feels this ache with friends; many of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  With each "new" friend I make, I cautiously maintain my distance in the hope that perhaps I can avoid the pain that so often comes from allowing friends too close.  If my wall is up too long though, we cannot become very close friends because I am not allowing the new person in my life to know the real Connie.  Many people, unfortunately, know me by my wall.  But to take the wall down and be 100% me is a very scary idea!  I can handle someone not liking my wall, but to disagree or not like me personally is an entirely different ballgame.

I remember a sermon I heard years ago about pain and joy.  The preacher (my father if you must know) used the analogy of a hose as representing our ability to experience pain and joy.  Like so many Kingdom lessons, there are two sides to this coin.  To the extent that I experience joy, so too will I experience pain.  To purposely limit my pain then is to limit the extent of my joy.  If I turn my "pain hose" on so low or off as to limit my painful experiences, so too have a constrained how much joy I will experience.  So many of us want the joy, but do not want to experience the pain that (unfortunately on this side of heaven) follows that joy.

Perhaps that is a melancholy way to look at friends.  I love the friends in my life but I find I am hypersensitive, waiting for when (not if) the person will head a different direction.  My friends may move away or make a decision to change circles so our paths no longer cross.  God help me not be angry at my friends, but appreciate the times of dialogue and growing we had together when our lives did run side-by-side.  I guess in a sad way the ache I feel when I miss friends is in direct proportion to how much I really did love them.

At 36 I know that is part of life.  While I would rather run away from all my friends and shield my heart to love, I know Christ has called me to do just the opposite.  I must love despite what the future holds.  I need to be in the present and enjoy conversations now.  I tend to hold back my true self until I know I am absolutely safe.  This, of course, takes years for me to establish when a relationship is deemed "safe" and, unfortunately, my friendships tend to expire at just the moment when our conversation is beginning to get interesting. 

I am amazed at the relational courage of Christ who knowing full-well His disciples, His closest friends, were going to betray Him (one even turn Him in), still showed them "the full extent of His love."  I want a love like that.  A love that can love those around me without my personal restraints or conditions.  I desire to be a friend who can love in the moment without a promise of tomorrow or another cup of coffee.  A friend is explicitly unable to promise to be in my life forever.  Life is change. 

God help me be grateful for my friends in the past, to love my friends in the present, and walk with courage into the unknown pain of tomorrow. 

Basking in the Moonlight

Have you ever sat and stared at the moon? It is really quite exceptional. Tonight especially it seems extra-full, like it is calling to me. With a espresso frappucino way too late in the afternoon and a full moon overhead, I am once again a prisoner to my thoughts.

Tonight I dare say the moon looks strange. It presently looks like I have a spotlight shinning in my backyard. I walked outside just for fun to see how visible the night appeared. Typing in the light of the moon is a strange concept, but a fun thing to do.

What I find so interesting about the moon is that the moon itself does not glow. From where I sit it lights up everything around me like someone from heaven is shinning a flashlight down at me.  "Hello" I dare say quietly back, as to not terrify my neighbors. How can something in the sky and so far away be that brilliant, and yet not actually shine?  The moon reflects the sun, it has no light of its own. How very peculiar that in the middle of the night, the time when our world is shrouded with darkness, the moon offers me a small reflection of the gloriousness of the sun that I cannot currently see.

I have to sit and wonder in amazement at the genius behind this creation. Even in the darkest night, we are given a reminder of our ever-burning sun and greeted with the expectancy and promise of a new day.

The greys of the night around me remind me of C.S. Lewis' writings about shadows. This life is but a shadow of things yet to come. The brilliant colors of fall, deep shades of blue skies, florescent accents of wildflowers are, in effect, like walking in moonlight compared to what is to come. So why are we here, living among the shadows? What is the purpose of it all? It is unnerving to think about the huge timeline of humanity that is laid out and realize our lives are just a small blimp of time, not even noticeable from much of a distance. So what is the point? It cannot possibly be to make a name for ourselves- that cannot be long-lasting. It can't be wealth and prosperity, since that is of no use to anyone at the end of this life.

No, I have to somehow believe that our biggest investment is going to come by how much we can advance the Kingdom of God where we live right now. How can I represent Christ where I work, where I play, where I eat, shop, exercise and do everything else? If faith, hope and love are all that will remain when all is said and done, I must from time-to-time stop and evaluate, "Am I growing in faith? Am I growing in hope? Am I growing in love?" If I am not, I must, for the sake of the Kingdom of God, realign myself with His purposes.

In a small worldview, perhaps God has called us all to be little moons? Isn't our job, after all, to reflect The Son?

Then again, how ever more glorious to know that we are not just reflecting Christ Jesus, but that He lives within us! We are "lights on a hill!" We can actually SHINE like the sun! We are not weakling, reflective moons (sorry moon, no offense)!  We were created to SHINE! 

As I bask in the light of this ever-bright moon, I am in wonder at knowing it is nothing compared to the vast brilliance of Christ shinning in us! If only we all had the courage to open up and SHINE!

"I am the Vine"

Sometimes I think it is a curse of mine that I am always thinking.  As I get farther away from my concussion, the horror of endless, useless thinking is creepy back into my everyday existence.  Oh, I'm sure some people think it is great to always be thinking and dreaming.  For me, however, I feel like my head gets so filled with thoughts, quotes, comments and ideas that I can't seem to focus on any one of them for long enough for anything to be effective (or make any sense!).

Thus said, I need to get into the habit of sitting down, writing out my thoughts and then moving on with my life...or at least moving on to the next thought.  So here is the:

Thought for the Day.

I was thinning my apricot tree two weeks ago and wondering what the spiritual implication of my task at hand might be?  I am always eager and looking for ways God speaks to me through nature.  I am a big believer in the natural speaking of the supernatural. (in simpler terms: concrete, earthly things giving us a window into spiritual truths & lessons.) What could I learn from this poor over-loaded tree?

Picking off perfectly-growing green fruit is very hard to do! I am purposely killing beautiful fruit; good fruit that has the potential to feed my family!  Why would I do such a thing?  Last year I did not thin my apricot tree.  The result: no harvest.  Oh, I had an abundance of tiny, green and orange apricots that my golden retriever enjoyed, but no fruit was good enough to bring inside and enjoy.

The analogy of me, as a Children's Ministry leader, choosing which "apricots" to take care of and nourish and which "apricots" to pluck off is a shuddering thought.  It seems cruel to make that determination if my apricots were actually children I work with and love so much.  This over-burdened fruit tree cannot possibly reflect Christ's heart to let many die for the sake of a few!  I am positive Jesus would not want me to choose my "favorite" children to nurture and let the rest die (spiritually speaking of course)! That does not align with scripture at all.

As I thinned my tree I scrolled through numerous passages of Scripture, in my mind searching for a connection.  There must be a lesson in this task!

Perhaps, if a Ministry Leader represents the tree, God is saying that one person alone cannot be expected to care for so many people, instead we need teams of people.  If too many people (apricots) are being "fed" from one source, the maturation of all the fruit involved will suffer.  Hmmm...that's a thought, but that seems a little bleak and negative.  Still, that does not quite seem right, there must be more to this load of fruit than that!

At the moment when I debated giving up my search for a connection between thinning my tree and a truth from God, John 15:5 suddenly rattled through my core, "I am the vine..."  The verse goes on, but I was caught dumb-founded by the noun 'vine!'  God does not (thankfully) say, "I am the apricot tree..." instead he says, "I am the vine!"  My blackberry vines are covered in an array of blossoms.  I have never thinned my blackberries because my vines can handle the heavy harvest.  Of course John continues to say that God does thin even the vines, but it is entire branches that are taken off due to poor harvest or disease- not a thinning due to an over-abundant harvest.  Thankfully also, God is the vine dresser, not me!  He can determine when it is time for a branch to go!

In the end, my apricot tree is thinned, and I am very glad Jesus is our vine, not a stone-fruit tree.

Ramblings

My Fridays are usually filled with some office work, errands to take care-of, and chores to complete.

Here I sit, instead, at my big bright window looking out across my soaking wet backyard as the rain continues to soak in.  My coffee cup to the left of my computer is one of my favorite mugs.  I got it at the Charles Schulz Museum (Peanuts guy, for all you uncultured folks out there).  On my mug is Lucy and Snoopy.  Lucy is telling Snoopy, "If everybody agreed with me, they'd all be right."  Classic.  It's a great mug and even better, reminds me of the special trip up north with my three precious children who are growing up way too fast.

Sitting on my lap is my enormously furry orange cat.  The same cat that Bret secretly hopes will wander away sometime and free the house of his fur.  For now, however, he is my companion for the day.  Oh, my dog is here too, but he is wet from the rain so I have confined him to his blanket in the corner.

It is hard to be productive on a beautiful rainy day like today. 

White blossoms smile at me from across my yard.  My blackberry vines are loaded with dainty white flowers ready any day to begin the transformation of turning into berries.  I see ever so small green strawberries pushing their heads out from between the quickly fading blooms.  My garden is planted, so all this rain is simply saving me the time and money of watering.  I love this season in the garden.  Everything is planted, but harvest has not yet begun.  There's a few things to do, like guide the peas and beans as they make their way up the carefully knotted web I have created for them.  I also gently lift tomato branches so they rest on supporting posts and cages.  Every so often there is a sneaky snail or a mischievous weed who may sneak into my garden to try and disrupt my peaceful spring-time growing.  As long as I'm quick to conquer those annoyances, all my growing continues.  I see sunflower sprouts, only two inches tall.  It's amazing to think those little plants will be ten feet tall soon enough.

One reason why I like gardening so much is to watch all the daily spiritual lessons I learn working in my garden.  I often wonder what season I am spiritually in.  Then my mind gets thinking about harvest and I wonder if I've ever really reaped a harvest?  Define harvest I question myself.  Is harvest monetary or people? 

I am a classic perfectionist who has at least three books uncompleted and probably a good year's worth of Sunday School curriculum, not quite ever finished enough for publication.  My thoughts turn back to my garden and I have to laugh out loud.  When the August comes to my yard, I am tired of watering and don't have the energy to pick the loads of vegetables growing so crazily!  Even in my yard...I don't follow through.  I love the designing, creating, planting, working, waiting...but not the harvesting.  You'd think that would be the best time, like the story of The Little Red Hen.  She grumbled at having to do all the work herself.  Me?  No, I like the quiet time in the yard to myself. 

Perhaps one day I'll get some motivation to finally complete one of my books or lessons or articles.  Maybe.  For now, I'll just sip my delicious coffee, feel the warmth of my kitty on my lap and watch the rain fall.

Faith, Hope and Love

"But now abide faith, hope and love, these three;

but the greatest of these is love."  1 Corinthians 13:13

Three years ago today my Nana (grandmother) passed away.  After a hard battle with Pancreatic Cancer, her frail body was placed into the hands of Jesus.  My world was turned upside-down.  What could I continue to believe?  Who was this God who says he is all-powerful and yet cannot or will not heal?  What is the point of all this and why did this happen to someone as amazing as her?  Scripture records that God will bring a long-life to those who follow His commands- wrong.  Scripture records that God will guard us and keep us - wrong again.  So many of the passages I had set to memory were frantically erased and I was left in a void of sorrow, loneliness and anger.

The first week was a blurr.  We had also lost our house two days earlier and were trying to move everything asap before the locks were changed.  I often look back at that January and wonder how I managed to survive.  I was in the middle of credential school- but everything came to a halt.  I could not operate.

I began credential school again in February and would cry during the 30 minute drive to school and then cry 30 minutes home.  In between crying and praying I had three thoughts along my journey of grief (btw, I'm still in that journey.  If you're in that journey, give yourself time and grace.) 

1.  What would my Nana believe?  I have a huge respect for my Nana and her faith in God.  She taught and lived the Bible every opportunity she could. 

"I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who lives

but Christ lives in me.  And the life which I now

live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loves me,

and delivered himself up for me." 

What strikes me is the term, "faith in the Son of God."  I'm no scholar, but I did a little study and found out that in the original Greek, this small article "in" is more accurately translated "of."  So I live by faith of the Son of God.  We are to live as part of Jesus; operating under his faith.  We are hidden with Christ!  I live out of Jesus' faith, not my own.  Which is a good thing since at this point in my life, my faith was at an all-time low.  My Nana had great faith and even though I felt my faith was shaky, if I trusted the faith of Jesus to hold me through I would be okay.  Taking that leap of faith to believe even when I do not feel it, is what the Christian faith is all about.

2.  What would life be like without hope?  No matter the depth of my sorrow, I know deep inside that I will see my Nana again.  This is not a wishy-washy kind of hopin' and prayin', but a good strong knowing, almost more of an expectancy.  Hope is another word our English language has ruined.  Hope is so casual and almost fake.  A better definition would be to anticipate with confidence!  I am determined to hope in my Savior.

3.  If you've ever lost a loved one, you know one of the most difficult realizations is when your brain automatically kicks your verbs into past tense.  I purposely tried to keep my stories about my Nana in the present tense- but that got a bit weird.  Eventually, I had to succumb to the fact that she really was gone.  One thing I thought about was that love is an attribute of God.  Which means, love is just as alive today as it was yesterday and even better...tomorrow.  Love does not stop!  It would be an injustice to love to say, "my Nana loved me" because I guarantee she still loves me!  Just because she is not here right now to express that love, does not mean the love does not exist!  Love is eternal.  Love never ends.

My Nana Loves Me!

On this anniversary, although I am sad, I am full of hope, overflowing with faith and held up by an everlasting love my Nana and I share in the bond of Christ Jesus our Lord.

Bonhoeffer's Parents

"This kind of environment was the perfect breeding

ground for a young theologian!"

In the book I'm reading, the author describes Dietrich Bonhoeffer's parents.  It is interesting how different they were in so many ways, but how the two together formed a powerful alliance.

Karl Bonhoeffer (Dietrich's father), worked as the head of psychiatry and neurology in Berlin, Germany.  "Karl was wary of anything beyond what one might observe with one's senses or deduce from those observations.  Concerning both psychoanalysis and religion, he might be termed an agnostic.  There was a strong atmosphere in his home against fuzzy thinking..."  The children grew up knowing if they were going to say anything, it had to be something they could prove with a sustainable argument and facts.

Paula (on the other hand), Dietrich's mother, was the granddaughter, daughter and sister of men of whom gave their lives to theology or pastoring.  She filled every day with Bible reading and hymn singing.  She even taught her children the importance of a personal relationship with God (a very radical idea at the time!).  Paula instilled in her eight children her values of selflessness, expressing generosity, helping others and the serious respect for the feelings and opinions of others.

In today's age it would seem unlikely that two such opposite people/ideas would unite.  Perhaps it was odd in the 1900's as well.  What I found remarkable as I read through the chapter on Dietrich's parents was their united front.  Although they may have differing views, each spouse had an intense respect for the other.  Karl supported Paula in her upbringing of their children, and she taught their children in line with what he would be supportive.  They both desired to please the other and they both held each other in high respect and admiration.  This union brought discipline and order to the house since the children knew Dad would support Mom and vice-versa. 

This kind of dualistic environment of faith and science was the perfect breeding ground for a young theologian!  His curiosity was driven beyond empty faith into concrete study, observation and experience.  He was challenged to not only ask questions, but answer them too!

This chapter caused me to ask questions about my parenting and my marriage.  Am I creating an environment for my children to ask questions, do research and explore?  Do I respect my husband in such a way that my children see us as a team- even when we do not agree.  Hmm...lots to think about.