Brian Doerksen

I continue to catch myself grieving the loss of Brian Doerksen. He was not just someone who came one weekend in February to play at Butler Church, but was formative in my love for worship through his gentle spirit, authentic words, timeless voice, creative cinematography and expressive worship style since way back in my junior high years. In many ways, Brian's music has been one of many threads that have been woven into my lifestory.

Monday night, after I had read the updated news that Brian was being made comfortable - ready to meet his Savior, I couldn't sleep. 

I came downstairs, picked up my guitar and began playing some of my favorite Brian Doerksen songs, "Faithful One" "Eternity" "Refiner's Fire" "Father Me" "Psalm 121 (I Lift My Eyes Up)." So many of my favorite songs came from this man's genius and connection to the Spirit of God. I am deeply saddened at his passing, but also so, so grateful that these gifts of his songs and the memory of his voice remain with me. 

In 1990, I led my first worship song with Brian Doerksen's, "Refiner's Fire." It was the summer of my freshman year and my musical interest was shifting from classical (reading sheet music) to contemporary worship leading (aka: playing by chords). I had been on a Mexico mission trip that summer with Fresno Pacific College and Butler Church and discovered no one knew how to play the piano with the guitar music (the only music available to the group). I came home determined to master chords and inversions so I could play along with the guitarist.

My high school summers consisted of attending the Vineyard's week-long worship conferences, year-after-year, sitting in worship workshops, taking oodles of notes, and spending hours of worship with Brian and a variety of worship leaders from the Vinyeard movement. Such sweet memories.

Brian Doerksen's voice is one I can pick out from a crowd.

When my brother, sister and I began leading worship regularly at the Fresno Vineyard, we would play Brian's songs. He wrote his songs in excellent keys (well...except for Refiner's Fire which originally came out in E!). His songs also had a tension of depth of simplicity making them excellent songs to worship. He also involved Cindy Rethmeir and Daphne Radmaker to sing harmony with him which gave my sibling-worship team beautiful worshippers to follow as our passion for worship music continued to grow and develop.

The '90's was full of Refiner's Fire (1990), Light the Fire Again (1994), and Eternity (1994). I was leading worship as a freshman at Fresno Pacific when Light the Fire Again had just come out. I brought along my new CD and remember excitedly introducing it to my team - they loved it! (especially the unique drum entrance and the way his rhythm guitar would add that lovely rhythm). 

Then Brian released an album that paved a way to a live-musical, The Father's House (1995). As a commuter, I remember driving to and from school blasting the songs from The Father's House album as I drove. "There must be a place where dreams come true..." A story about the love of a Father - check it out, it's amazing! 

Brian went through a tough loss attempting to produce and release The Father's House. He recalled walking at night, praying, searching for God's direction in the midst of this dark night. It hurts for an artist to pour so much of themselves into a project that can't seem to get off the ground.

As he walked, he heard the melody for, "Come, Now is the Time to Worship" (1998) a reminder to us all that worship is not something we do only when everything is going right in our world. Though it's a fairly upbeat song, he wrote this song at one of the most difficult moments of his life. Let us follow Brian's lead and worship even in this hard time as well. I remember dancing around my house with my baby girl, Anna. She particularly loved this song - especially the sax solo!

The 2000's kept bringing more music with "Halleljuah" (Your Love is Amazing), in partnership with Brenton Brown.

I remember being at either a worship conference or pastor's conference when I first heard Brian play, "Creation Calls" (not sure the year). His keyboard patch came on and transported us to the horizon of Canada where he pictured for us Canadian geese flying south, crashing waves, running streams, and a night full of stars - "quiet, quiet, creation at rest." Brian had such a beautiful way with words and music to capture his listeners attention and guide them through an entire experience of music, senses and sound. "I love to stand on ocean's shore and feel the thundering breakers roar..."

Brian kept producing, but I stepped out of the Vineyard and leading worship and didn't keep up on Brian or his most recent songs. During COVID, the Vineyard began posting 30-minutes of worship everyday and Brian again entered my orbit. Brian participated in a few of these worship sets with his acoustic guitar and matchless voice which calmed our anxiousness and anchored our souls to the peace and presence of Jesus. He had such a way of escorting us into the presence of God. His compassionate explanations of songs and lyrics, intermixed with interludes and preludes, painted musical pictures. I felt carried by his music and his words.  

Then I got an invitation to a worship night last November. The worship leader? Brian Doerksen. I was SO excited to participate in a style of worship that touches the center of my being.

Brian sung many of my favorites and introduced us to many more. My favorite three new songs he sung were:

• Everlasting Arms https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7VMjKOHZSE
• Shelter https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiETS-WoMw0
• Psalm 13 (How Long Oh Lord) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsybwJiCv9E

When the worship had ended, I decided to be brave and wait in line to tell Brian how much I appreciate his music and how formative he has been to my faith and worship development. Bret said I totally "fan-girled" being way too star-struck! Ha! Brian and I hit it off and I even met his friend, Marika Siewert! After some back-and-forth texting and emails, Brian and Marika were set for another visit to Fresno - this time coming to Butler Church and Fresno Pacific University!

I did my best not to swoon when I picked Brian up in Frebruary to drive him and Joyce, his wife, to FPU for Capax Dei. Was it even possible that Brian Doerksen was in my passenger seat!?!

But I could tell he was not 100%. He shared he's been in pain for a while now with no answers. The plan was to lead worship for the college students and then I'd drop him off at the hospital so he could have some tests run. He performed again the next day for a local school and then led a worship night at Butler Church on Saturday. I was on cloud 9 having him with us, but he was in great pain. They had a trip planned to head to Arizona to put to music some of the hymns from the First Nations Bible. Instead, they drove back to Canada - his pain was just too much.

I cannot express my deep sadness at his loss. I had hoped he would come back to Fresno and we could chat some more and maybe even worship together - maybe taste the chai latte he was bragging about making. I feel like I've lost a childhood friend. Though he just met me in November, I've known him for decades. I will always treasure his voice, his rhythm acoustic guitar, his piano music, his passion for God's presence, his creative storytelling and his inclusive, kind, encouraging presence. We have lost a great man. I am grateful for the gifts of worship he leaves behind and his role in forming me into the worshipper I am today. 

Thank you for the music, Brian. Thank you for sharing your pain - for being vulnerable with your whole self. Your music and your voice will always be with me.