I find myself, for some reason, in a somber mood tonight.
The idea of friendship is strange. For a period of time, we are given friends whose lives run parallel with ours. Although I am not arguing that friends are a gift from God, I am, however, fully aware that friends have a tendency to bring me pain. I know I am not the only one who feels this ache with friends; many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. With each "new" friend I make, I cautiously maintain my distance in the hope that perhaps I can avoid the pain that so often comes from allowing friends too close. If my wall is up too long though, we cannot become very close friends because I am not allowing the new person in my life to know the real Connie. Many people, unfortunately, know me by my wall. But to take the wall down and be 100% me is a very scary idea! I can handle someone not liking my wall, but to disagree or not like me personally is an entirely different ballgame.
I remember a sermon I heard years ago about pain and joy. The preacher (my father if you must know) used the analogy of a hose as representing our ability to experience pain and joy. Like so many Kingdom lessons, there are two sides to this coin. To the extent that I experience joy, so too will I experience pain. To purposely limit my pain then is to limit the extent of my joy. If I turn my "pain hose" on so low or off as to limit my painful experiences, so too have a constrained how much joy I will experience. So many of us want the joy, but do not want to experience the pain that (unfortunately on this side of heaven) follows that joy.
Perhaps that is a melancholy way to look at friends. I love the friends in my life but I find I am hypersensitive, waiting for when (not if) the person will head a different direction. My friends may move away or make a decision to change circles so our paths no longer cross. God help me not be angry at my friends, but appreciate the times of dialogue and growing we had together when our lives did run side-by-side. I guess in a sad way the ache I feel when I miss friends is in direct proportion to how much I really did love them.
At 36 I know that is part of life. While I would rather run away from all my friends and shield my heart to love, I know Christ has called me to do just the opposite. I must love despite what the future holds. I need to be in the present and enjoy conversations now. I tend to hold back my true self until I know I am absolutely safe. This, of course, takes years for me to establish when a relationship is deemed "safe" and, unfortunately, my friendships tend to expire at just the moment when our conversation is beginning to get interesting.
I am amazed at the relational courage of Christ who knowing full-well His disciples, His closest friends, were going to betray Him (one even turn Him in), still showed them "the full extent of His love." I want a love like that. A love that can love those around me without my personal restraints or conditions. I desire to be a friend who can love in the moment without a promise of tomorrow or another cup of coffee. A friend is explicitly unable to promise to be in my life forever. Life is change.
God help me be grateful for my friends in the past, to love my friends in the present, and walk with courage into the unknown pain of tomorrow.
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