Good Night, Old House

Such a strange night. I lay on the floor looking up and out the window into the low-hanging coastal clouds lit dimly by the City of Torrance lights. The cool breeze blows through the opened windows as I drift in and out of memories. I should go to sleep, tomorrow will be a big day, but the nostalgic in me can't help but allow my mind space to wander...

Tomorrow is moving day.

My grandparents bought this home in 1955, my dad was three-years-old. This is the place I've celebrated Christmas and Thanksgiving for 43-years and the place I knew I could drop in at any time to find my grandparents. My grandma's favorite color is green, so imagine every rug, curtain, couch in various shades of green. Life at 21905 Evalyn wasn't always easy - my grandparents have known quite a bit of pain. I'd like to say these walls have been filled with laughter and joy, but unfortunately, my experience here has been a mix of a variety of emotions and experiences. Regardless, it has been home-base for my grandparents, 89 and 86, and now it is time to say good-bye to this place. I wonder what my grandparents are thinking?

I struggle finding the right words to help them pack tonight...is there anything I can say to make this easier? I hurt watching them wrestle with their bodies that are turning against them...is there anyway I can help bring dignity and grace to their aging? What do they pack? What should they give away? What memories will need to be shredded? I wonder what my grandparents are thinking?

Such a surreal experience - looking at black-and-white photos of relatives I've never met. I don't know their story or how their story connected to mine. I found a drawer filled with funeral programs from years of friends passed. I wonder what my grandparents are thinking?

The walls are bare - only faded rectangles of memories where pictures, cross-stitches or decorations once hung. Soon, only indentions will be on the carpet - the shadow of lives lived well. The northern wall which kept watch over the piano will soon be empty, leaving whispers of hymns and Beethoven. 

 

"Oh, it's just a house, Connie." So true, just a house. Yet I've learned I'm a person moved by space. "Just a house" to some, but my childhood to me, and a lifetime to my grandparents.

Tomorrow my sister and I will help my grandparents say goodbye to their home, their church, their friends - the only life they've known - and move to Fresno. I imagine they are afraid. I imagine they are uncertain. My dad, brother, uncle and brother-in-law will stay behind loading up the last bit of furniture into the moving truck. 

I lay here and pray for our drive "home." I can't begin to understand what they will be feeling tomorrow. I pray God comforts their grieving hearts and gives my sister and I the words, hugs and encouragement they need to transition well. Before the rush of getting them into the car, I pray they can say good-bye well. I am nervous about our drive, but I know God is faithful - His presence is constant and His love is unwavering. I know He is good and will be with us...I wonder what my grandparents are thinking...

Good night, Old House, and thank you.

Ash Wednesday 2019

I've snuck into Catholic Ash Wednesday services for at least nine years. I recall picking up all three children at their elementary school and remember them being appalled and embarrassed that their mom, who was not Catholic, had gone to an Ash Wednesday service and had a black cross marked across her forehead. 

Perhaps it was John Wimber's admonishion to love the whole Church - the bells and smells - which drew me to Church traditions like Lent and Advent. Perhaps it was my love of nature and her seasons and routines that drew me to the rhythms of our Christian calendar. Or perhaps it was the Spirit drawing me to seasons that stood in the place of mystery and made room for lament and prayer. Whatever the reason, I became captivated then - to my children's chagrin - and have continued to attend services since.

This year, working in a new place, I was delighted to discover North Fresno Church holds an Ash Wednesday service! Such a treat to be part of a beloved service which I normally have just attended! I even got the opportunity to admonish the ashes! Never in a million years did I think I would get the chance to put the sign of the cross in ash on people's foreheads!! It was such an honor (and so much fun!) to minister to people in this way on this beautiful holy day as we make more space for Jesus and take time to reorient our lives toward Him: the author and perfector of our faith.

St. Francis de Sales said, "Lent is the autumn of the spiritual life during which we gather fruit to keep us going for the rest of the year." 

Lent is traditionally a season to give up "something" but it could also be a season to pick-up something. As I've been praying about what I should "do" these next 40-days, I've been stunned by the silence. Oh, I've had a few ideas, but I can tell they're just my own ideas, not necessarily prompted by the Holy Spirit. But I've known God long enough to know He will speak to me at the right time. 

I was in a meeting last week and a pastor friend of mine said that he is giving up fear for Lent. "Giving up fear?" I thought? "Is that an option? Can we give up something intangible, but so powerful like that?" While I don't think 'fear' is quite my thing this season, it did get me thinking. Instead of giving up tangible items like coffee, soda and TV, what powers are at work in my life that are getting a foothold, stealing my fruit and poisoning my vine? 

During one of our stations tonight an idea dropped in my mind. Can I give up busyness? Can I say no to being busy? While it seems vague and impossible to get my hands around, being "too busy" is definitely a power at work in my life trying to destroy me! Perhaps because it seems like such a large monster God is calling me to name it and then slowly cut off it's tentacles that have been creeping into every square-inch of my life.

So, I'm giving up being busy. That's not to say I plan on sitting around the house doing nothing. But to instead intentionally rest. Actually schedule garden-time, walks with friends and perhaps even a silent-retreat day to just escape away with the One whom I love so much. Would fasting from coffee be easier? Probably. But the fruit of 40-days of intentional quiet and slower pace may just reap a harvest of fruit which will feed me for the rest of the year! 

My prayer is that you too use this Lent season as an opportunity to reorient and adjust your life toward Jesus Christ. How has your life gotten off-track, even just so slightly? What can you do (or not do!) to make space for the Spirit to speak to you? God has reached out to us through His Son and made us in right relationship with Him and with others. We've been adopted into His family and have a new inheritance of being His kids, his representatives on this earth! We are loved beyond measure! With this in mind, let us joyously embark on this 40-day journey toward the cross. Let us live with intentionality, making space for times of lament, quiet and reflection. Let us draw closer to Jesus.

A Beautiful Fragrance

“And while He was in Bethany at the home of Simon the leper, and reclining at the table, there came a woman with an alabaster vial of very costly perfume of pure nard; and she broke the vial and poured it over His head.

But some were indignantly remarking to one another, ‘Why has this perfume been wasted? For this perfume might have been sold for over three hundred denari, and the money given to the poor.’ And they were scolding her.

But Jesus said, ‘Let her alone; why do you bother her? She has done a good deed to Me. For the poor you always have with you, and whenever you wish, you can do them good; but you do not always have Me. She has done what she could; she has anointed My body beforehand for the burial. And truly I say to you, wherever the gospel is preached in the whole world, that also which this woman has done shall be spoken of in memory of her.’” Mark 14:3-9

As my Holy Week reflection continues, today I’ve been thinking about the woman who broke the alabaster jar of oil and anointed Jesus’ head. I challenge you to read this story and let it play out in your mind. Watch a table full of men become indignant when a woman not only dare to enter the room and  interrupt their luncheon, but then have the audacity to break a bottle of anointing perfume and pour it over the guest of honor’s head! Mark’s gospel leaves us asking questions about the identity of this woman and her relationship to Jesus and the other men present. Was she someone Jesus had interacted with previously? Did the disciples know her? What drew her to bring this extremely expensive vial to where Jesus was eating and anoint him?  

The men around the table were obviously bothered by her actions. What was it that made them uncomfortable? Was it the money “wasted” on Jesus by emptying this special anointing oil as Mark states, “why has this perfume been wasted?” We so often disguise our own discomfort behind religious facades or religious shaming instead of looking at the reason behind our own uneasiness. Were they bothered by a woman operating in a priestly role of anointing someone? Were they uncomfortable by the powerful smell of the perfume poured over their guest? Perhaps they were embarrassed on behalf of their guest since he is now soaked in oil? Or maybe they were indignant that they themselves hadn’t considered anointing Him? While we don’t know all the details behind the story, it’s fascinating to be quiet and let our minds wonder…

Interesting that Mark is clear about identifying the house as “the home of Simon the leper.” Is this perhaps one of the 10 lepers Jesus healed earlier? Isn’t it interesting that someone who has been healed can still (perhaps) be a person who shames another person’s actions? The Gospel of Mark doesn’t say who is “indignant;” it could be Simon the leper, Jesus’ disciples (not even mentioned) or other people at the table- we simply don’t know.  

My favorite line of Jesus' in this story is, "Leave her alone." I love how quickly Jesus silences the religious shaming and stops the mockery of the marginalized. He sees the heart of the woman and is pleased by her actions.

I created a Holy Week activity last week for the children and was reading this particular story and drawn to the element of the perfume. In preparation for my little activity, I purchased a small bottle of hyssop oil (nard is from a hyssop plant) for the children to put a drop on their wrist to smell it and think about having this oil covering their head.

In contemplating the perfume over the last few days I began to wonder how long the smell of the oil lingered on Jesus. I don’t think baths were daily occurrences in Jesus’ day, so is it possible that even on the cross the smell of this woman’s perfume lingered in the breeze. Activated by his sweat and mixed with his blood, this anointing aroma could have been a reminder to Jesus of the woman’s kindness – an added comfort to him in his dark hour.

As I think about aromas, I wonder what kind of aroma I am leaving. I’ve been through some things that have left me bitter and angry. The pain in my heart has turned my “aroma” into criticism and suspicion. My soul needs to be cleansed by the power of the Holy Spirit – only He can purify the toxins in my heart and purge me of built-up frustration and pain. I want to live a life of a pleasing aroma that brings comfort and a reminder of God’s incarnate presence with us. As I reflect on the power of lingering aroma, I am challenged to examine my heart, look at the ugliness I hide, and pray for God to continue His work in me.

 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Thy presence, and do not take Thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit." ~ Psalm 51:10-11

Prayer. God, purify our hearts. As we consider this woman's anointing of Jesus' head, we pray you would cleanse us from bitterness, anger and pain. Let our aromas be sweet and bring comfort and peace to every person we talk to and every room we walk into. As this anointing perfume poured over Jesus a few days before His death, I pray the oil of Your Spirit would pour over our minds and soak into our hearts. We desire to be people of peace who leave your lingering presence wherever we go. Continue to heal us. Continue to transform us. Let the brokenness of our lives exude the joy of Your Spirit through Your powerful healing, restorative grace. Amen

Calling over Comfort

I was at school Thursday when I received news of a friend passing away. Our class took a short break so I took the opportunity to walk outside in the light midst of the rain.

As I passed by the Fresno Pacific Chapel I thought, "I should go in there. It's quiet. It's dry. And it's a safe place to reflect and be alone." Upon entry, however, there was a man inside kneeling at the front spending some time in prayer. I suddenly had this feeling I'd walked into a sacred place, I did not belong and I should not have opened the door.

I quietly closed the large, heavy door and retreated to my normal place, outside, behind the chapel. As an undergrad at Fresno Pacific there used to be large evergreen trees sheltering this little spot and I would journey here often to be alone and pray.

As I leaned against the brick wall, finding shelter from the falling rain, I felt at home and at peace knowing right on the other side of the wall was the "front" of the chapel, where I was going to pray, "I'm just on the other side," I thought to myself as I rested against the wall. God gently spoke to my heart and asked, "What are you doing outside?"

The question forced me to begin pondering how odd it was that I would rather sit outside where I was comfortable (in the rain) instead of the inside of the chapel. Was I that drawn to nature that I'd rather be outside? Perhaps. Is the Chapel just too stuffy and dark for my personality? Perhaps. Or is there a deeper feeling of inadequacy to enter going on? Perhaps.

I love my Old Testament. Through my personal study of my Bible as a teenager and into my 20's, I picked up on themes of women not measuring up - women being unclean, or even worse - downright villainous. King David can have an affair and kill the woman's husband and be forgiven, but Jezebel, oh, watch out! All women are like Jezebel! Samson can kill thousands of people and be honored, but Delilah, watch out! Never trust a woman - look what happened to poor Samson. Even Joseph was no match for Pottiphar's wife! Hm... I won't even begin with ceremonial cleansing practices. Reading it through a feminine lens can only mean between menstruation, childbirth, and "wifely duties," a woman is ridiculously unclean.

Whereas wicked deeds done by men are singled out as an anomaly of that particular person or situation, wicked deeds done by women are treated as a warning for men to be aware of the inherently evil characteristics of women. You may think I over-exaggerate too much. Perhaps.

I'm simply being honest with how the biblical text has shaped my view of women.

In my 30's I began reading texts differently, approaching these stories of women not as "representatives of my gender" but as warnings for all - male and female. I also began studying stories of "invisible" women who do not get mentioned in Bible Studies or Sunday mornings - Leah, Tamar, Hagar, Jael, Rehab, Ester, Ruth, Abigail... - so many awesome women who shaped history positively.

While I know "we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin." It is still hard for me, as a woman, to feel like I can, "draw near with confidence to the throne of grace (in order to) receive mercy and...find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:15-16)

Confidence is what is lacking.

The scriptures I have studied and experiences of my faith have brought me to the place of knowing I can approach God. I am invited into this sacred space. But yet I still choose the comfort of the outside wall. No matter how many people, male and female, tell me I'm silly to remain outside, I have an internal personal wrestling that continues to get the best of me.

Leaning on the wall, God spoke to my heart challenging me to choose calling over comfort.

I'm sure I am not alone in my feelings of inadequacies and I don't think this is solely a female thing, but instead a valuing issue. Do we, as followers of Christ, male and female, see our personal value and belovedness? Do we realize the treasure that is within us? How can I "love my neighbor" if I am not valuing myself? Sheesh!

It is a slow process to see our value and know we are loved by our Father God not by our performance, but by simply being His kids. Thankfully, God is for us and is with us in our transformation as we become more clearly His representatives on earth, more and more comfortable in our own skin.

Prayer: God, thank you for reminding me that You are calling me inside. Help me see my value and walk in places that might be uncomfortable. Challenge me to walk where You are calling me to walk. My heart's cry is to only go where Your Presence leads. Continue to make me lie down in green pastures, lead me beside quiet waters, and guide me in the paths of righteousness...so I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. 

A Lament of Injustice

17 children will not be coming home tonight.

17 families will have empty beds, unopened Valentine Cards and dirty clothes left on the floor.

When my children were little I would make pink pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast, complete with heart balloons and Valentine cards. As they grew older, the multiple school start times turned Valentine's Breakfast into Valentine's Dinner. The treats got smaller, the cards got shorter, and the balloons disappeared. Morning routines became blurs as they drove themselves to school before the light of the sun began to shine.

As I cut strawberries tonight for two of my teens, my heart grieves for the mother's of the teenagers who will not eat their heart-shaped pancakes tonight. A hurried teenage morning doesn't lend itself to conversation or hugs and my heart hurts for the hurried morning of mom's who didn't get that one last hug goodbye.

On a day focused on love, my heart hurts.

Why?

Why would God allow such a disaster to occur? The "why" question is a rhetorical lament in the face of an injustice that goes against the goodness of God. The "why" question is an upfront challenge - no, assault - at the sovereignty of God. The "why" question voices the counter-narrative that has just occurred that doesn't make sense with the love, justice and mercy we know to be characteristic of God.

Go ahead, ask the why question! God can handle it!

In fact, asking the why question, especially in the form of a prayer is an intercessory outcry against injustice. I do not believe God orchestrates evil. This tragedy in Florida is an injustice and was not God's plan. God does not plan evil on His children. Ask why, and then let yourself grieve.

We were created for community, to rejoice when others rejoice and mourn when others mourn. As you watch the news and read about the incident at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, reflect upon each life lost. Consider the family left incomplete. Contemplate the peers who are confused, angry and scared. Allow yourself to grieve. In our postmodern, intellectual society, emotions make us uncomfortable. We'd rather suppress our feelings than admit to them - and certainly not show them! When you feel the weight of mourning, give space to grieve. This is a tragedy and we should be crying out in lament! Use your cries of why to challenge the injustice of a world gone awry.

Where?

In the middle of tragedy, remember to look for God. He is with us in our pain. He is near the brokenhearted. He promises to never leave us, nor forsake us. Where is God in the middle of this tragedy? He is present with the friends and family of the victims in Florida. His presence is made evident by the community who chooses to engage in the grief and stand with the families in mourning. We serve a God who has chosen to step into our world of pain, sit with the pain and grieve. As His representatives on this earth, let us do the same.

What?

What can I do with the pain I am feeling? Continue to cry, pray and mourn for the loss of life in Florida. If you have teenagers, bring up this injustice with them. Social media should not be the place where they are learning about their world and how to react to that world. Ask them (age appropriate) questions to engage them in conversation. Look for ways to show your love to your teens. Give them extra hugs (even when they resist!). Create an safe environment where your children and teens can come to you and ask questions about faith and life. By not talking about school shootings, we are normalizing it and leaving our children in fear of knowing how to respond. Tonight, as a family we prayed. Our teens are going to talk, the question is, who are they going to talk to?

As the days pass, opportunities may arise to show our love and support for the students at Majory High - take part in these opportunities. Provide your teens with an outlet for expressing their own fear, frustration and/or pain. Through card-writing, prayer vigils and other creative expressions, showing solidarity with the pain of others brings value to human life and keeps this tragedy from being disconnected and just another 'video game' to watch from a distance.

In the meantime, hug your children.
Don't neglect to say, "I love you" as they leave for school - even in the early hours of catching buses and 0 period PE/sports practice.
Treasure everyday with no regrets.
Choose to feel pain and not to have your heart grow callous to the hurt of our world.
Be a representative of God's peace and presence wherever you go.

May we be people who live, love and grieve. May we be the hands and feet of Christ Jesus as we bring His peace and presence into hurting conversations. Let us bring the Hope of the World into situations of injustice and allow Him to bring reconciliation to a broken world.

Take Courage

Another Tragedy. Once again tragedy has struck. Once again the presence of evil has been made manifest. Once again the papers, news and social media sites have erupted with pictures and stories of the tragic event.

26 dead, 20 injured - 10 remaining in critical condition.

Just a month ago our country was grieving the horrific loss of 59 people killed while attending a music festival in Las Vegas, then, just last week, a truck attack killed 8 in New York, followed by this...26 people killed in church. 

If you're anything like me, you've begun to go numb. 

Numb to the images, numb to the pain.   

While numbing ourselves is a natural response to an overwhelming, and nonsensical pain, those of us who are disciples of Jesus Christ have been given a much different charge - not of retreat, but of moving into the pain and dark places.

Jesus had Compassion. In our society, we have been taught to remain strong, don't show your weakness, and never cry. Jesus models a different way; He models compassion. Jesus saw the crowds, the sick and the lost and was moved with compassion. Compassion involves kindness and goodness to the miserable and the afflicted; joined with a desire to help them. In order to have compassion, Jesus had to look. He had to look on the pain. Look at the people in distress. While I'm not encouraging you to look up images of this tragedy, I am encouraging you to look - look at the loss of life, acknowledge the pain of friends and family, feel the weight of a mourning community. Shed tears and let your heart feel. One of the worst things to come of so much tragedy is a culture immune to the loss of life. Our hearts should break when we hear of such pain and we should be moved with compassion, like Jesus. 

Let your Light Shine. Besides slowly cooking us into a state of numbness, our evil adversary would like nothing better than Christ-followers (His Little Lights) to become afraid and hide. "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do men light a lamp, and put it under the peck measure, but on the lampstand; and it gives light to all who are in the house." (Mt. 5:14-15) It is our job to shine the Light of Jesus to a dark and dying world. Please do not be afraid- take courage!  "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that." Martin Luther King Jr. We must go into the world in greater force shinning our light before all people! 

Free Choice of Life. The presence of evil in our world is a reminder to me of a compassionate God who offers us a choice. A choice to choose evil (darkness) or a choice to choose God (light). Evil exists in our world because someone has chosen evil over God. God could have created a people of robots who would follow His commands with no questions asked. As we know, that would not be a true relationship. Relationships need to have choices and the awareness of such horrific and evil acts are a reminder of the choice we each must make daily. 

Hope in the Lord. C.S. Lewis once wrote, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." It is during times of tragedy that people are most receptive to conversations about faith. We have the greatest hope of all - Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world, Redeemer of mankind, and Restorer of all Creation! Let's be people who proclaim the peace of God and bring the hope of Jesus to a world shrouded in darkness.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Be at peace, sweet readers, and don't be afraid! "Greater is He that is in me, than He that is in the world." While we can't make sense of tragedies like the shootings in Texas or Las Vegas, we can put our hope in a loving God who promises to be with us and bring justice to our world.

A Parent Perspective on Shoeboxes

It's hard to believe I'm already talking about Christmas as November is barely beginning - but believe it or not - it's Shoebox Time!

Teaching our children to love Jesus and love one another is not an easy task. Parenting is not a one-step, one-conversation experience, but instead layers of discussions, modeling and living out our faith. The Operation Christmas Child project is a way Bret and I have helped expand our children's worldviews larger than themselves.

As our culture becomes more and more "me-centered," it is essential that parents speak the language of "loving the other" and not give into the selfish ideals of our society. I can easily make the assumption that most children in our churches will have more than one Christmas present this year - if not more than two or three Christmas parties! Our children are being inundated with social media narratives of "needing" more things to be happy. They are quickly becoming more and more confused between wants versus needs and are even more lost in our self-absorbed culture of comparison and entitlement.

I am always on the look-out for opportunities to wake us out of our slumber, say no to our culture and provide a different narrative with which to participate. That is where Operation Christmas Child comes in.

When my children were young, I would take them to Target/Walmart, give them a shoebox, let them choose to pack a box for a girl or a boy and then choose the age of the child. Children make good observations when we begin walking around filling a shoebox...

"My box is too small."  Children immediately recognize the toys they personally want would not fit into a tiny shoebox. Not only that, but shoebox toys cannot be electronic, or even need batteries. This concept alone is mind-blowing to a child! A simple stuffed bear, or jacks are great choices instead!

"There's not much room for a toy." I direct my children to fill their boxes with a few hygiene items first. After a toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, soap, and chapstick, the box is well on it's way to being full. This observation is important as they become aware of children who do not have basic needs (soap) and recognize the many luxuries they have daily. Oftentimes (our prayer at least!), this generates not just an awareness of childhood poverty, but thankfulness for a child's own blessings.

As a parent, this little shopping trip has been a worldview changer for my children. It has fostered compassion toward children in third-world countries and opened my children's eyes to the many hurting people around our world. I've even used the globe to show my children where the Shoeboxes were delivered and as we can now track our boxes, we enjoy watching the video Samaritan's Purse puts out of the presents being delivered (this helps expand their worldview in a tremendous way!).

Not just that...but each box has the Gospel message of Jesus Christ placed inside in the child's own language. Boxes are taken to local churches, were children can pick up the presents and then have follow-up spiritual, physical care by a church near them who loves Jesus and speaks the child's language.

I love this project because of the fruit I have seen in my own children and in changing young lives in countries around our world. 

If you have children, I encourage you to help expand your child's worldview beyond themselves in the simple act of filling a shoebox. Follow this link (SHOEBOXES) for additional information!

If you have Shoebox stories to share (even about your shopping experience!) I'd love to hear them!
May God's grace and peace be with you as you intentionally parent your children toward love and good deeds!
Connie