Calling over Comfort

I was at school Thursday when I received news of a friend passing away. Our class took a short break so I took the opportunity to walk outside in the light midst of the rain.

As I passed by the Fresno Pacific Chapel I thought, "I should go in there. It's quiet. It's dry. And it's a safe place to reflect and be alone." Upon entry, however, there was a man inside kneeling at the front spending some time in prayer. I suddenly had this feeling I'd walked into a sacred place, I did not belong and I should not have opened the door.

I quietly closed the large, heavy door and retreated to my normal place, outside, behind the chapel. As an undergrad at Fresno Pacific there used to be large evergreen trees sheltering this little spot and I would journey here often to be alone and pray.

As I leaned against the brick wall, finding shelter from the falling rain, I felt at home and at peace knowing right on the other side of the wall was the "front" of the chapel, where I was going to pray, "I'm just on the other side," I thought to myself as I rested against the wall. God gently spoke to my heart and asked, "What are you doing outside?"

The question forced me to begin pondering how odd it was that I would rather sit outside where I was comfortable (in the rain) instead of the inside of the chapel. Was I that drawn to nature that I'd rather be outside? Perhaps. Is the Chapel just too stuffy and dark for my personality? Perhaps. Or is there a deeper feeling of inadequacy to enter going on? Perhaps.

I love my Old Testament. Through my personal study of my Bible as a teenager and into my 20's, I picked up on themes of women not measuring up - women being unclean, or even worse - downright villainous. King David can have an affair and kill the woman's husband and be forgiven, but Jezebel, oh, watch out! All women are like Jezebel! Samson can kill thousands of people and be honored, but Delilah, watch out! Never trust a woman - look what happened to poor Samson. Even Joseph was no match for Pottiphar's wife! Hm... I won't even begin with ceremonial cleansing practices. Reading it through a feminine lens can only mean between menstruation, childbirth, and "wifely duties," a woman is ridiculously unclean.

Whereas wicked deeds done by men are singled out as an anomaly of that particular person or situation, wicked deeds done by women are treated as a warning for men to be aware of the inherently evil characteristics of women. You may think I over-exaggerate too much. Perhaps.

I'm simply being honest with how the biblical text has shaped my view of women.

In my 30's I began reading texts differently, approaching these stories of women not as "representatives of my gender" but as warnings for all - male and female. I also began studying stories of "invisible" women who do not get mentioned in Bible Studies or Sunday mornings - Leah, Tamar, Hagar, Jael, Rehab, Ester, Ruth, Abigail... - so many awesome women who shaped history positively.

While I know "we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin." It is still hard for me, as a woman, to feel like I can, "draw near with confidence to the throne of grace (in order to) receive mercy and...find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:15-16)

Confidence is what is lacking.

The scriptures I have studied and experiences of my faith have brought me to the place of knowing I can approach God. I am invited into this sacred space. But yet I still choose the comfort of the outside wall. No matter how many people, male and female, tell me I'm silly to remain outside, I have an internal personal wrestling that continues to get the best of me.

Leaning on the wall, God spoke to my heart challenging me to choose calling over comfort.

I'm sure I am not alone in my feelings of inadequacies and I don't think this is solely a female thing, but instead a valuing issue. Do we, as followers of Christ, male and female, see our personal value and belovedness? Do we realize the treasure that is within us? How can I "love my neighbor" if I am not valuing myself? Sheesh!

It is a slow process to see our value and know we are loved by our Father God not by our performance, but by simply being His kids. Thankfully, God is for us and is with us in our transformation as we become more clearly His representatives on earth, more and more comfortable in our own skin.

Prayer: God, thank you for reminding me that You are calling me inside. Help me see my value and walk in places that might be uncomfortable. Challenge me to walk where You are calling me to walk. My heart's cry is to only go where Your Presence leads. Continue to make me lie down in green pastures, lead me beside quiet waters, and guide me in the paths of righteousness...so I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.