Not a Token

 A few weeks ago I was interviewed by a panel of men. The panel was made up of the National Director of my denomination as well as two other District Ministers from the Central and Northern United States. 

In some way I was honored that my name came up as a potential member for a board which studies the theological background for policy, faith, and belief in my denomination. But in another way the interview left me feeling ill.

The interview was going along fine. We all four shared background information, laughed a bit and then I shared on my understanding of the difference between inerrancy and infallibility. They asked me my opinion on other topics like racism and women as Lead Pastors. I was being completely honest (though it may not have been the perspective they necessarily agreed with) and then one of the District Ministers paused the interview to explain to me that I am not just a token woman on the board of ten people. "Your participation, insight, and opinion is just as important as everyone else's," he assured me. I really do think he meant well and was trying to be encouraging, but I sure felt like the conversation went side-ways.

First - I am not an idiot. 

The board consists of ten people total: one person is the National Director (a man), then each of the five districts have a District Minister present (also men), followed by four "members-at-large," with one lady presiding. The set-up alone dictates that a woman feel like a token. Even IF the other four members were women, there would never be an equal representation, especially given the difference in titles and authority.

Second - Oppression Leaves Wounds

I was surprised to discover something about myself I did not previously realize. The District Minister followed his 'token' statement with a question asking, "Will you be able to speak up and share your insight and opinions?" I sat quiet for a few long seconds. I have no doubt these three gentlemen are kind people. I have no doubt they love Jesus and love the Church. I also have no doubt they have no idea what kind of oppression I have been through as a woman, especially a woman in ministry. My seconds turned into a minute as I tried to determine how to respond.

45 years of being told to... 

"be silent," 

"submit to your husband's authority," 

"don't teach a man"

...and now I was asked if would be able to talk freely in this group of the National Director and five District Ministers? My answer surprised me as much as it silenced them.

I told the District Minister thank you for encouraging me to share and for giving me permission to speak. Then I decided to get (just a little!) more vulnerable...

"I have been in ministry for 25 years. As a female church leader I have had it engrained deep in my soul that my opinion, insight, perspective are not as valuable as my male counter-parts. I have been publicly shamed, publicly silenced, and publicly reminded about my inferiority. Thank you for your permission to speak, but I need you to know that though I have a lot of good insight I also have 45-years negative conditioning in which I was taught not to share freely and not to speak up. While I would like to answer your question in the affirmative, I have to be honest and admit that the message of silence and subjugation that has been taught to me in church has left me oftentimes unable to speak. I am trying to find my voice, but until I do, I will need to be reminded and invited quite regularly to share my thoughts and opinions." (I said something along those lines, though probably not as articulate!)

Until the direct question of, "Will you be able to talk?" was addressed to me, I hadn't realized how guarded and silent I have become. Perhaps I should have asked if what I have to say is worth his time? Do my words have the same weight as the other nine people? Does he have the patience and empathy to continue asking my opinion and encouraging me to share? 

My intelligent, but voiceless self is the unfortunate fruit of church. 

There are insights I see and strategies I understand that could be of much use for the Kingdom of God - but instead I stay quiet, doing just as I was instructed. The question remains as to if I can find the courage to share. Do I speak only if I know I am heard or is my job simply to speak? Perhaps I am not accountable to the listener but I am accountable to myself for oftentimes choosing not to speak.

Hmmm...lots to process and consider. Hopefully one day I'll read this experience and laugh at how far I've come. For now, I am grateful to be more self-aware and pray God gives me courage to talk more even if no one is listening.