Overwhelmingly Sad

**Written originally on February 6, 2018 at 10:16 pm, but never published**

  

I am just two days away from my last day at Loma Vista. It's been home for me and my family for over 13 years - now it will suddenly be over.

My journey of departure has been long. Little parts of me have been dying for years now. Only recently had I discovered so little of me remained alive. Authentic Connie has ever-so-slowly been slipping away. So subtle, only people closest to me have noticed.

The two things that most stirred this decision:
1. To be in a place where I can be authentically me.
2. To be able to follow God in a way that is true to myself and what I believe.

To feel such total freedom and total loss simultaneously is strange.
To drink wine for my mourning heart and also for my joyous deliverance is oddly paradoxical.

My heart is confused and torn.
I want to get off this roller-coaster of emotions.

I know You are with me...but I am afraid.

Seeking Your face is not easy. Seeking Your face is not comfortable. Seeking Your face is not logical.

When does faith transcend logic? If we only choose that which is logical, are we living by faith?