Sadly Resting

*** Originally written 4/21/23

I'm a fairly private person. I love to pray for others and help others but I often omit my own struggles and needs which creates a one-way relationship with many people who attempt to to befriend me. I've become a professional at handling things on-my-own, and not "bothering others" with my problems or disappointments.

I encountered a situation today in which I have been debating: Do I write about it? Or do I keep it to myself?

I decided to write about it below. If I offend you, be offended. Since this is my blog, I am going to write regardless of who I offend.

I stepped out of my comfort zone two months ago and applied for a two-year cohort at the Transforming Community with Ruth Haley Barton in Illinois. I wouldn't move to Illinois, but would travel there eight times over the course of the two years, experiencing and learning about spiritual practices to better stay connected to Jesus. 

Of all the subjects on my bookshelf, spiritual formation is one that is near and dear to my heart. I've always wanted to spend more time developing the skills to help people connect with God, experience the presence of Jesus and listen to the voice of the Spirit. Some of my favorite writers are Dallas Willard, Henri Nouwen, Richard Rohr, Ruth Haley Barton, Robert Mulholland, Adele Calhoun, and Peter Scazzero. I have some favorite theologians too, but the names above are writers in whose books I tend to read multiple times because they're not only informational, they're also transformational. 

The program was going to cost a bit more money that I was comfortable about so I began thinking about ways to raise money. I thought a super-fun way to raise some extra funds would be to have a garden sale with all the proceeds going toward my spiritual formation experience. 

My son-in-laws mother gave me a huge collection of succulent cuttings. My mother-in-law gave me some pretty pots, my daughter and son-in-law kept my plants alive while I've been traveling, I divided perennials, and planted vegetable seeds into 6-packs - I literally planted seeds in the hope of offsetting the cost of my next adventure.

My application was received in mid-March and then the wait began to see if I would be chosen.

I wrestled for the definition of "chosen" and tried my best to not get too hopeful. 

The trick was that in order for me to have a garden sale, I needed to get planting before I heard if I was accepted into the program or not. I got to work and planting and dividing. 

I tried to keep my emotions in check.

I tried to not get my hopes up.

The more my plants grew, the more my hope grew.

Today I received word that I was not accepted. 

Was it because my title is one of "Children's Pastor" and not a "Lead Pastor?" No.

Was it because I'm too old or too young? No.

Was it because the program is too full? No.

Oddly enough, it is because I am a woman.

I have to be honest - I'm really struggling with this. 

From my perspective, men have the world at their fingertips. Anything and everything is offered to them. 

Want to be a high executive - go for it. 

Want to be a Lead Pastor of a church - go for it. 

Want to lead a missionary trip to a country oversees - go for it.

I didn't get in because they want to make space for more men to be able to attend. 

Logically - I understand. 

Spiritually - it's a low jab for a woman who has been told her ENTIRE LIFE that I am not enough, not the 'right' gender - and now it continues. 

I get it. Maintaining a male/female balance is important. But really? 

I would have rather my rejection was due to anything else but gender. 

(I did contact the Transforming Center and fought for myself - which I don't typically do - and was allowed to participate.)