Descansos

Tonight I did something strange.

A few months ago I listened to a book called, "Women Who Run with the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Toward the end of the book, she introduces the idea of "Descansos." 

Descansos is the practice of marking a place where someone's journey in life had been halted. Often these crosses mark a place a person has died. Descansos, however, need not be limited to physical death, but can also mark places where we experienced a closed door, the end of a journey, or any type of loss. Estes says, "Descansos is where you take a look at your life and you see where the small deaths and the big deaths have been and you mark them with a cross." She says that regardless of what kind of trauma/loss a person has experienced, "something has to happen to recognize it, to bless it, to contain it and to leave it." We must physically do something to acknowledge the pain/death so that we can move past the pain/death.

Descansos are "resting places for the parts of you that were on their way to somewhere but never arrived. They mark the death site. They're markers of your dark time, but they're also love notes to your suffering."

Descansos are transformative.

The month of July has been a month of grieving. I've given myself space to be angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad, discouraged, hurt - and every emotion in between. I'm no where near recovered, but I've participated with the Spirit in deep, soul-work as I've dug in the soil of my garden and am slowly experiencing more peace. Today, as I was praying, God reminded me that today is the last day of July - tomorrow the calendar is flipped. 

I read "Women Who Run with the Wolves" back in April and have since been considering parts of my spirit that never grieved from the last church I left and are hurting with grief once again in my most recent departure. I remember I had two weeks of "rest" (a.k.a. chaos and detachment!) between my last two jobs - certainly no time to grieve or process anything. 

Something about the changing of the calendar and witnesses the setting sun illuminated in the clouds, hope was sparked in my heart and I thought, "Perhaps this is the evening to practice Descansos." 

I drove out to Shaw & McCall and placed my descansos - marking my journey that was abruptly halted. I sat in the weeds watching the sunset considering how different my life is today than it was five-and-a-half years ago. The bits of hurt and loss that still linger, I left on the side of the road, on my descansos.

Then I drove across town to Fresno & Bullard to place my second descansos - recognizing my time there: blessing it, containing it, and then leaving it, along with the many emotions I have been carrying. 

As I prepare for sleep tonight, I already feel lighter.

Perhaps acknowledging our pain releases our souls from captivity.

I pray that my anger, frustration, sadness, and grief will stay pinned to the cross at the places I left it. I imagine those grief waves, and other emotional currents, will overtake me here-and-there. But I pray that by God's grace, lovingkindness, and compassion (which are new every morning) I can close this chapter and begin walking into a new month guided and strengthened by the Spirit.

May God continue to make all things new bringing healing and wholeness to each of us.