Another Loss of 2020

2020 has been a year of loss and disappointment. My friends and family have experienced these in abundance this year so I hesitate to even articulate my loss - since it is coming from a privileged position and is not nearly as catastrophic as many others have experienced this year.

That said, I woke up this morning sad because today I should have been in London. 

I am 44-years-old and somehow I have not managed to get off the North American continent. That may sound like a petty problem and in many respects it is - but whenever I try to travel abroad something prevents me. Family commitments and work priorities have so dominated my life that unless I could go somewhere via family or work it just wouldn't happen.

I've lead mission trips to Mexico and been to conferences in Canada. We even got to travel to Canada two years ago - just for fun! But getting off the continent - that has continued to be difficult.

Last January I had the opportunity to interview Christy Wimber for a class paper. At the end of our conversation she invited me to the "Effective Leadership" conference happening in England on November 13-15. I had almost gone to the conference in 2019 but it fell on the same weekend as our church's anniversary celebration so I could not attend. 

"Maybe I'll go next year," I contemplated. 

With the seed of possibilities already in my spirit, Christy's personal invitation sent me through the ceiling with excitement. 

It was to be a conference for women in leadership (those don't occur too often!). And not just leadership, but church leadership. Not a conference to "be a better leader," but to simply be together, pray together, learn from one another, and support each other. Being a female church leader is far different (not better or worse- just different!) from being a man in church leadership. Likewise, it is different from leading a non-profit or serving as a teacher or a director of an organization. Then add the nuances of a "woman-pastor" - I cannot even begin to explain the strange loneliness, isolation and exclusion I have experienced in my stint as pastor (not necessarily in the current place I'm serving, but within other organizations and interactions with other pastors and leaders).

I had hoped this would be a weekend where I could be fully me.

Worshipping in an old church, listening to encouragement from women pastors, drinking tea at an English Teahouse, so many hopes...

I won't bore you with more of my ideas as to what I might have experienced since we all know the end of the story. 

The conference was moved to an online forum due to COVID-19 - though sad at the change, I understood and supported the decision. 

"It's okay," I told myself, "at least I'll still get to log onto Zoom and kind of be present to worship, talk, and share." 

Last week, due to rising COVID numbers, the pastors in England are needing to, once again, pivot quickly how they serve their communities - the conference was cancelled.

Once again, I understood. It makes sense logically, but my heart was sad.

All this week I kept thinking, what is happening on the 14th? Why is this date so ingrained in my mind? Oh yeah, the conference. I don't think I had realized how much I have been craving connection (with people I don't even know - mind you!) and was hoping to be able to find space to simply worship, pray and be together (even online!).

So today I'm a tad melancholy. 

I'm smart enough to know the logic behind the decisions and do not blame anyone...but I am sad.