Talk With Your Children

As our nation reels with the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School, I am forced as a mother to decide how to discuss the situation with my own children.  Here are some tips to help parents talk with your children.

1. Find a quiet time to talk with your child(ren).  We live in a technological world.  If we do not approach the topic, your child will most likely hear about it via friends or media.  I would rather be the source for my child’s information.  We are guardians of our children and need to guard what kind of information is going in.  I talked with my son this morning after his sisters had left for school.  He hadn’t heard anything as of yet.  I debated just for a minute about whether to discuss it or not.  I decided he would be going to school within 20 minutes and would most likely hear about it eventually.  So I took the plunge of discussion with my 10 year old.
2. Ask what your child knows about the tragedy.  Do not jump right in with details.  As with all situations, decipher what your child already knows.  Excessive details are not always necessary.  The age and individual sensitivity of your child needs to also play a factor as to how much and what information you choose to disclose.
3. Listen and correct the facts gently.  Hear your child and gently correct any inaccurate information.  As children talk amongst themselves, the story may change.  Keeping facts accurate is important.  We want our children to recognize parents as a source of truth and safety. 
4. Be general.  Do not go into the grim details of the tragedy.  Children have very active imaginations and do not need our help to add to any fear.  Our conversations with our children should be remarkably different from that with our peers and other adults.  (If you, as a parent, are having a difficult time with this situation, talk with a friend or respected adult before speaking with your children.  Our children are sensitive and can pick up on our fears and worry.)
5. Let your children ask questions.  Don’t be afraid to let your child ask questions.  It is okay to not know the answers. 
6. Differentiate your conversation.  Every child is different and reacts differently to situations.  Parents know our children best.  When talking with your child, take into consideration their age as well as their sensitivity to difficult situations.  Tread lightly and be cautious.  What may be important to you, as an adult, may cause undue worry to a child.  Your conversation with a teenager should be different than one with an early elementary student.
7. Give your child hope.  I read a quote from Mr. Rogers that encourages parents to help their children "look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping" when faced with a tragedy.  Looking at the situation at Sandy Hook, it is clear that this is a community filled with goodness and love.  Help your child see the overwhelming goodness in our world despite the presence of evil.  Teachers sacrificing their lives, police ready to save lives, nurses ready to assist.  We have good people around us.
8. Turn off the TV.  I know we want to stay up with the news, but remember a picture is worth a thousand words.  Unless you are willing to have a very long conversation with your child and explain everything their little minds tried to process, I would recommend not having the news on at all.  Listen to the radio, check updates on yahoo or on the internet.  Visuals are powerful and can send a message of fear.
9. Get involved.  Your child may want to respond to the situation.  Allow your child to write a card, send a note, light a candle, say a prayer….anything really.  Children are creative and if you allow them, they may help you through your feelings of grief through their acts of kindness and love.  Look for reliable sources offering ways for your child (and yourself) to respond and help people who have been hurt in this tragedy.  Red Cross or local churches may have options set-up.
10. Be there.  Be near your child the next few weeks.  Ask your teenager, “Are you okay?  Do you want to talk?” Ask your elementary child, “How was school?  How are you?  Do you want to talk about anything?”  Show your child that you are available and ready for them.  If they say no, let your presence be comforting.

I hope these tips can help you and your family through this very sad time in our nation.  Continue to pray for the families that lost their babies.

“Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread. 

And forgive us our debts as we have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory of heaven.  Amen.