Daily Advent

Advent 2013 ~ Prophecy Candle

December 1^st marks the beginning of Advent season.

 

The word Advent means, “coming” or “arrival.”  The purpose of Advent is two-fold:

First, advent serves as a reminder of the birth of Jesus Christ- our Lord and Savior.

Second, advent challenges us to look forward to a second advent- when Jesus Christ will return.

It is incredibly important for Christians to stay in the tension of these two realities in all that we do.  Whether it is the Lord’s Supper or daily living, there is an element of looking back and remembering all that Jesus has done for us while also looking to the future of things yet to come.  If we live our Christian walk only looking at the past at the work of the Cross, we miss out on living in the reality of the Kingdom of God alive today.  Christians who refer to Jesus only in past-tense language lack an active, vibrant alive relationship with a very real God.

I will be posting daily two simple Advent scriptures.  The Old Testament scripture prophesies the coming of Jesus as well as other scriptures that bring encouragement and hope during the Christmas Season.  The New Testament passage is a chronology of the events surrounding Jesus’ birth as found in the Gospels of Matthew, Luke and John.

The first week of Advent, Christians light the Prophecy Candle (also called the Candle of Hope).  As Advent begins, I challenge you to look back and remember the prophets of thousands of years ago who predicted elements of Jesus’ life.  Remember the details in those prophecies; details that a baby cannot control. As you remember the remarkable fulfillment of so many prophesies, be encouraged and filled with expectancy as you think through other prophesies found in the Bible that have not yet come to fruition.  God is true to His Word.

……………………………………………

Advent Readings for Sunday, December 1, 2013:

Old Testament:  “There will be no more gloom for those who were in distress…in the future he will honor Galilee.  The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.  For to us a child is born, to s a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:1,2,6

New Testament:  “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being by Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.”  John 1:15

Thursday Night Quiet

It is time for bed.  The house is dark.  Children are quiet.  Even Facebook is not buzzing on my phone with updates and posts.  For the average person, after 10:00 equates bedtime.

For me, however, Thursday evenings are my favorite time.  I do not work at Weldon tomorrow which means after I drop off my children at school, I actually have a moment of peace.  What I have discovered, through the years, is that during the day, when the sun is up, even though I am technically, “free,” I always find things to do: meet friends for coffee, read a good book, work in my garden, tackle a project for work, etc…

Thursdays have since become my night when I stay up late.  

Real late.  

It’s the one chance in my week to be absolutely still and completely quiet.  I crave Thursday nights.  

With no immediate meetings in the morning, or projects requiring high-functioning brain activity, I can allow myself to have a “foggy” morning.  By Thursday I can feel I have become anxious and restless; I am in desperate need of my time of silence.

At night, when the world is quiet, I can dive into an introspective pool of thoughts and swim deep.  With no one to jolt me out of my quiet, I can float motionless letting my reflections linger a little longer than usual and drift deeper into my contemplative abyss of thought.

I am frustrated that I only have one time in my entire week to experience this abundant and overwhelming quiet and peace.  My Friday’s are always better than my other days.  Is it because it’s Friday?  Or is it because I finally had “rebooting” time?

I have tried so many times to have these quiet moments in the morning to no avail.  My mornings are a rush of activity and thoughts for the day ahead of me.  Even if I try to be quiet, the swirls of activity going on around me make it impossible to completely put my guard down.  At any moment, someone will need me.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I sit and read my Bible or connect with God in some way, but it is so different in the morning compared to my Thursday nights of quiet. 

In the mornings, I am preparing myself for my day; putting on my armor, so to speak.  At night, my armor is off, my guard down, my day is over and it is just me.  Simply Connie sitting before the throne of God being quiet and still.  No agenda.  No requests.  No prayers.  I am not assembling a list of things to accomplish, or tasks I must fulfill.   I don’t bring theological debates or complicated theories.  It is not a time to think analytically, but instead to let the Holy Spirit breathe life into me.

I love the quiet of night.

The second verse of the Bible (Genesis 1:2) echoes my feelings, “And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.  And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.”

That word "moved" in the original Hebrew means more accurately, "hovered."  It is dark and I have no structure or reason as to why I come before the Father, only that I know I need the Spirit of God to move upon me; hover over me- to fill up my cup and refresh my spirit. 

Thank you, God, that you look forward to Thursday evenings as much as I do.  

Quotes from The Global Leadership Summit

Two weeks ago I attended, "The Global Leadership Summit."  I heard a handful of amazing leaders, speakers, authors and artists.  Here's a few of my favorite quotes!

* Bill Hybles

Every significant burden God puts on you will put you to the test.  You’ll need courage.  It’s hard to move people!  Vision tests the medals of every leader.  When many leaders get a vision, they abort the mission secretly.  Too scared, afraid of failure and costs ahead.  “No thanks, God.”

We cannot blame God for the status of our culture.  God has been giving life-changing visions to solve the world’s problems to leaders all across the world.  We can blame gutless leaders!  Visions are holy commodities!   Don’t just kill it!  Instead, get on your knees and say the Joshua prayer, "be strong and courageous!"

If all your staff is rowing together, you’ll get your boat to the other side!  You’ll get lots accomplished!  Plus, you’ll have so much more fun!  

The more we use social media, the more we are killing true community. 

Social media shows the illusion of community.

There comes a time when a leader can’t wait any longer for everyone to “get it,” but instead throw down the gauntlet and make it a value!

People come to your church every Sunday and hope against hope that someone would touch them and ask about life, pray with them, speak to them.

* Liz Wiseman

Are you a diminisher or a multiplier?

Are you leading as the genius?  Or are you leading as the genius-maker?

* Mark Burnett

Choose your companions before you choose your road. 

Don’t keep around people who are energy suckers.

Hire great people, then let them do their jobs.

* Joseph Grenny

Leadership is intentional influence.

Six Sources of Influence

1. Personal Motivation
2. Personal Ability – Skills are a substantial part of influence
3. Social Motivation
4. Social Ability
5. Structural Motivation
6. Structural Ability

* Vijay Govindarajan

Ongoing operation are at odds with innovation.

Innovation is commercializing creativity.

* Dr. Brene Brown

In the absence of love and belonging is always suffering.

Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

People can’t negotiate the gap between professing and practicing.

We all need to be BRAVE – we were born to be brave.

You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you can’t choose both.

“If you’re not in the arena or getting your butt kicked, I’m not open to your feedback.”

* Oscar Murice

The size of your harvest depends on how many leaders you have.

Don’t live for your own generation. 

 When you live for your own generation, you die with your own generation and your vision will die with you.

The only way your vision will survive you is to invest in the next generation!

Instill the 5 Loves into your budding leaders.

• All heart – matters of character
• All soul – matter of conviction  (things you firmly believe in, dreams/visions)
• All mind – matter of comprehension (understand God’s heart)
• All strength – matter of competence (using your hands for God) “be excellent in what you do”
• Love your neighbor – matter of compassion

Never do ministry alone. To be alone is to waist an opportunity to train a leader.

* Henry Cloud

The opposite of bad is love.

When a Leader is in a downward spiral, they exhibit the "Three P’s"

Personal – you begin to take everything personally

Pervasive – it’s not just that one person who thinks that, it’s everyone.  Not just an elder – all the elders.  Everything goes bad.

Permanent – it will always be like this

There’s a way out!  This happens to the best leaders!

Trick is to reverse the Three P’s.

1. Log – Dispute

Log the negative stuff and then dispute them on paper.

99% of what was in her/her head is false.

Dispute it with God’s Word, “I am God’s workmanship.”

Dispute negative noise.

Look at the whole picture.  Life is a movie, not a scene.  There’s always good.  It’s not all bad!  Look for the good stuff.

2. Do something to get back into control.

Make two columns, what you can and can’t control.

Make a list of things you could do and do it!  Be specific.

3. Brain runs on fuel.  (oxygen, glucose & relationships)

You MUST connect

Connect with what was happening, how you are struggling, what is helping, etc…

Connecting with someone drops your stress 50%!

* Andy Stanley

Central message in Acts, “God did something and we saw it.”

          You killed Him.  God brought Him back.  Say you’re sorry.

Central teaching of church was that something HAPPENED!!

          Gospel message is not based on that we believe something is true.

                 Gospel message is that something happened!  God raised a man from the dead!

God is willing to interrupt anything to build His Church.

He may interrupt a career.  We may stop one thing and start another.

1 Corinthians 15:58

 

A Week-Long Mammogram

For years now I had a goal to have a mammogram by the age of 35.  35 may sound awfully young, but with the history of breast cancer in my family, a base-line at 35 was a good idea.

You know how life goes.  Years zoomed by my goal of 35.

A week ago, at the age of 37, I finally worked up courage to have my first mammogram. 

The mammogram was not as bad as I had imagined.  I walked away wondering why I had put that off so long.  As standard procedure, the receptionist said I would receive a postcard in the mail if everything was fine, or a call from their office if they needed to see me back.

My family was camping at Shaver Lake, so I happily headed back up the hill to resume my vacation.  I kept my phone near me in the off-chance the office called.  Tuesday changed to Wednesday, then Thursday and Friday.  I knew I was clear.  Heading down the hill Sunday evening I thought about the happy postcard that would be awaiting me.

Unfortunately, I did have a postcard waiting, but instead of a happy report it said: “There are findings that need further evaluation.”  

Bummer.  Really?  

Monday morning at 11:00 I made the call to be sure they had their information correct.

“Oh, yes, Mrs. Nicholson,” said the receptionist, “we need to schedule an ultrasound for you as soon as possible.  I have an opening today at 1:30.  Can you make that?”

Was she serious? An ultrasound in 21/2 hours?  With VBS going on in the evening and a house-full of a week’s worth of camping clothes and supplies, I took the 1:30 appointment.

I called my Aunt Connie, a remarkable breast cancer survivor herself, to relay the information I knew.  She reassured me most likely they wanted a more detailed base-line with my history.  There was no reason to be alarmed.

I called my husband to let him know I had to go back.  He asked if I was nervous.  I said no.

Strange how it feels like our bodies betray us.  Mentally, I was calm, composed and ready to handle whatever was coming my way.  But physically, at noon, my body began trembling.  I kept reciting memory verses, praying for God’s peace, but from deep within my body was afraid.  I felt like King David commanding his soul to bless the Lord.  “Do not be afraid!” I continued to command my body.  But the trembling continued.

At 1:30 the ultrasound technician questioned my nerves.  She said my heart was racing.  “I really am fine, I don’t know why my heart is racing so much.”  In my mind I kept rehearsing my Aunt Connie’s words, “it’s just a more detailed base-line,” until she said, “Now, there’s one particular spot we’re looking at.”

Drats.

Sure enough, multiple pictures later, the doctor came in with the evaluation.  I have a 12mm lump that is a solid mass, not a fluid-filled cyst.  The next step?  Core needle biopsy and a tag.  We had to find out if the solid mass was fibroadenoma or cancer.  There would also be a tag inserted into the mass for easy tracking and evaluation.

Ugg.

Anyone that knows me, knows I really don’t like medical stuff.  I had all three of my babies at home to avoid the whole “hospital” scene entirely.  One of the reasons I never wanted to have a mammogram was so that I wouldn’t have to go through this!  Better to live happy in denial than get poked and prodded!

“What is your schedule like this week?” questioned the doctor, “I’d like to have this biopsied right away.”

Within 10 minutes, my biopsy was scheduled for the next day at 9:15 and I was off to resume my already too busy afternoon.

By 4:00 my head was pounding.  The anxiety, nerves and adrenalin rush was taking its toll.  I had to push through to lead music for our children at our church’s VBS.  Thankfully, I was surrounded by three sweet ladies who prayed for me.  It is a miracle that I slept so well that night and I know it is due to the power of prayer.

I was up early and at my office by 6:30.  E-mails to get mailed, notes to write, things to do before I went in for my biopsy.  Back at home by 8:00 I kissed my kids and waited for my sister to give me a ride to my appointment.  We chit-chatted all the way there, which helped keep me distracted.  I was surprisingly calm, without the trembles. (Thank you, Jesus!)

The biopsy itself was very simple, aside from the loud trigger being fired and knowing mentally a sharp object was being impaled into my flesh.  I asked the doctor if the chip they put inside me has a smiley face so the technician would know that lump has been checked and is okay.  He said no in a flat tone, and showed me the piece of metal that was about to be inserted into me.  It looked like a segment of lead from a pencil.  No happy faces.  Sitting up and seeing blood, needles, and samples of my flesh floating around in little test-tube containers did not sit well.  The room spun a bit and I warned the nurse that I was about to pass out.  “I’m a fainter,” I warned. 

"Rest, Tylenol and Ice.  No lifting for 24 hours." the doctor charged.  He must not be a busy Mom or know my schedule.   

Ten minutes of sitting later, I was taken to another room.  “Now we have to perform another mammogram to make sure we tagged the right place.”

“Seriously,” 

I questioned? “After you just stuck a hole in me you’re going to squeeze me?  

Is blood going to squirt out all over the place?”

“Oh, no.  You’ll be just fine.”

“Well it’s no wonder I’m going to bruise so bad!”  The lady laughed.

More man-handling and awkward positions and then I was pinned into the mammogram machine.  “Hold your breath, ready, now.”

Between the pressing and the breath holding, my room began to get dizzy again.  Let me just say, those pictures take a long time when you’re about ready to pass out!  The technician released just in time and a bolted to the chair in the corner before I became a lump on the floor.  “We need one more picture, honey, and then you’re done.”

My body was finished.  I had remained strong and stayed positive and compliant.  Just one more picture, God give me strength to finish this awful appointment.

Up for the last diagonal, awkward pose, sticking equipment in my armpit and squeezing my already sensitive breast.  “Now hold your breath, ready, now.”  With my arms weakening and my head pounding, the compression stopped and I was finished. 

I sat in the chair a few more minutes while she cleaned the machine and the room stopped spinning.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to throw-up or pass-out, but I knew I was on the verge of one of those!

At 10:30 I was finally escorted back to my room with my locker.  What a morning.  My sister had been waiting for me in the waiting room.  I was anxious to leave.  I reviewed the events of a biopsy to her and she felt ill from my stories.  Thankfully, that part was in the past, and now we have to wait for results.

After a stop by Starbucks (thanks Deborah!) it was back to work and a full afternoon/evening.  I couldn’t take advil since it thins blood, but Tylenol was fine.  I slipped an icepack in my bra every so often trying to push through my day.

The hours ticked away and I did my best to not let my mind stray down unknown paths of futures that were not mine.  I knew I could get myself into a ball of anxiety very quickly if I did not keep a tight reign on my thoughts. 

Another remarkable good night’s sleep, thanks be to God! 

The doctor called at 12:15 the next day. 

“The results came out good.  You have a benign fibroadenoma, which just means a non-cancerous mass.”

Now, I wait six months, then go back for a follow-up ultrasound and mammogram to make sure this lovely lump is not growing or changing.

Funny how my week can start off in one direction and take such a dramatic turn so quickly.  I am very thankful that my story ends here.  I am glad I (finally) got my baseline done and want to encourage other ladies out there with a history of breast cancer in your family to muster up the courage to get checked and be safe.  If you're going through something scary, don't do it alone.  Let's share with each other to share the load and carry each other through the tough times life throws at us.

I'm finally heading to bed and thankful for family, friends and my Father God.

Search for Centeredness

Recently I've had a strange desire to tap into old church traditions.

Perhaps it is a quest to discover patterns, habits and rhythms of times long ago.  Or perhaps it is a search for a more simplistic Christian Life.

If your life is anything like mine, the minute I wake up I am bombarded by other people's schedules, appointments and needs.  I run around all day like a maniac - never actually living in the moment at any one time.  Instead I am tossed around like the waves.  Time and time again, God anchors me  back down and asks in His ever so gentle way, "Connie, what are you doing?  I miss you.  Come and be with me."  I am very good at doing.  "Being" is something of a struggle!

How does this relate to Christian traditions?

What I have been discovering for the past few months is that my spirit is in search of a quiet place to commune with God.  In all my hectic schedules and crazy running around, my inner person is crying out for a place of quiet, peace and calm.  Places where I'd expect to find some centeredness, are instead places of never-ending "to-do" lists and busyness.  

I can grab my Bible and a cup of coffee in the morning and head outside to my patio, just to discover the plants look thirsty, the dog needs to be fed and the cushions are dusty.  In my task of getting the environment set, I discover I lost my precious-little valuable time and my day must march forward.  Perhaps tomorrow I'll venture outside where it is quiet (well...except for morning traffic!) again.  Day after day my routine goes.  I often feel like Johnathan Wesley's wife and I just need to throw a dish cloth over my head for a few minutes of peace.  Not so much to warn others that I am trying to find some quiet, but to close my senses off to all my to-do's and be still.

I've been reading a great book on finding new meanings in spiritual practices.  It is not a theologically hard book to read by any means.  Instead the author takes a typical 21 Century, American Christian and connects us back to traditions we were told had very little (if any) value left in them.  

I sometimes feel like practices and routines that my parents ran from, are drawing me in.  Not that the practices themselves are bad, or that they are necessarily good, but that my heart is searching for something that I can only find in tradition.

Tradition is a link to the past, a connection to God's greater vision.  What I am discovering is not the importance of the "spiritual practice" but the heart behind it.  

I know I am not alone in a life that demands my time and energy and leaves me feeling sapped and exhausted.  Then to add any kind of crisis to an already stressed out life- takes away my peace in all circumstances for sure!  

As this book states: "the contemporary archenemy of our peace is the frenetic pursuit of excitement and pleasure."  

In a book called, "Thrilled to Death" the author makes the point that our endless pursuit of pleasure is actually leaving us numb!

In my reading and living day in and day out in my fast-moving world, what I have come to realize is that our world offers us only a busy, crazy, chaotic, high-paced life that keeps us at a constant "high."  We have to remain hocked up on some form of caffeine (be it coffee or Red Bull) just to make our energy last through the day.  This caffeine fix leaves us with restless nights and anxious thoughts.  Where is the peace of that?

What is the cure for this cultural disease?

Peace.

Quiet.  

Centeredness.

I would even argue these three ingredients are necessary for a healthy spiritual life.

So here I sit looking into spiritual practices like solitude, silence, singing doxology, following liturgy, scriptural reading, quiet preludes, Common Prayers and memorization of scripture.  Do the practices themselves bring life?  Of course not, only God is the giver of life.  However, all the above traditions are so counter-cultural, it forces the participant to stop.  It is like a jolt from a shock wave, waking us up out of slumber.  Singing a doxology?  Really?

But there in lies the beauty.  Those traditions are so "not in," that our brains spit out a "does not compute" message which forces our intellect, emotions and spirits to come to a halting stop.  Because the external noises stop, we discover a God-given peace that can carry us through thick and thin.

I don't know where this blog is going and I've probably rambled on too much.  I sense God stirring up something and I am convinced I am not the only one who feels a dissatisfaction with life in general and the outcomes the world has to offer.  If I am to represent Christ in my life, His Peace should be an overwhelming characteristic that defines me.  Since it obviously does not- I must stop and ask what has happened.  How did I get so far removed from the peace He offers and how can I get back in-step with Him?

These are questions I must face.  

The search for peace is universal, just as much as it is universally lacking!  Let us find our centeredness in Jesus.  Rest in Him.  Abide in His presence.  Perhaps even get off caffeine and get back in touch with the rhythms of our bodies, the cycle of nature and explore "old-fashioned" spiritual practices that have the potential to connect us to God~ the giver of peace.

Brennan Manning

Throughout my journey of transformation, there have been a small handful of authors who have challenged, strengthened and inspired me so deep in the core of my being that I have undergone paradigm shifts after reading their works.

One such writer is Brennan Manning.  

My heart has been heavy upon hearing of the passing away of this sweet and brilliant man.  I have been moved by his ability to see past false pretenses, religious regulations and personal excuses to the person God sees.  I have been challenged to trust in the unrelenting, passionate love God has for me, beyond any kind of knowing I can ever comprehend.  

Brennan was a voice of grace and mercy spoken in the midst of seminary professors and scholars.  In my reading of a myriad of theology and "Christian-living" books written by other contemporary authors, the distinction of Brennan was his simplicity and grace.  He did not get caught up in the apologetic approach of nit-picking every tiny detail and arguing angles and cases to every possible Biblical doctrine imaginable.  Instead, he stayed simple.  He remained true.  He reflected Jesus.

I had a dream almost a year ago.  I was in a city and there was some kind of war or crisis going on around me.  People were running and very afraid.  I remember looking around for a leader, someone older, to whom I could ask what was happening, or what I should be doing.  What I recognized, instead, was that everyone around me was younger than myself.  I began having people approach me with questions I did not know the answers to.  From deep within me a groan and ache rose up and I realized those people, resources and connections I lean on (too much as a crutch perhaps) were gone.  It was simply me.  What was I going to tell these people?  What words of wisdom or encouragement could I give them?

When I woke up, I began reflecting on my life.  The "horror" of life ticking on and continuing to loose such sweet, contemplative authors, like Brennan, left me with an anxious feeling that I needed to, somehow, step up my game - grow up, if you will - and be ready for that time when I am needed.

The dream mostly became a memory that every so often is brought to the surface as our world looses great spiritual giants of our time.  I do not read too many contemporary authors, nor do I visit Christian bookstores.  I cannot stomach personal agendas and self-gratifying stories that preach about how to have a happy life and do not point to the redemption and love of our Father.   The many authors we have left in our world tend to focus on steps to a better life; more money, more happiness, more fame...the better you.

In reality, our world is broken.  People are hurting and hopeless.  While our culture does cry out for peace and happiness, setting people up, under the disguise of Christianity, and offering them steps toward happiness without any realities of pain and suffering in our world will only lead these lost sheep further away from the love of God, from whom all our suffering and sorrow can be healed!

On Brennan Manning's homepage, his family has posted a quote:

"Suffering, failure, loneliness, sorrow, discouragement, and death will be part of your journey, but the Kingdom of God will conquer all these horrors.  No evil can resist grace forever."

I am deeply saddened to hear about the loss of someone whom I feel is my friend.  His writings have drawn me into his world, in particular, Abba's Child, The Furious Longing of God and The Ragamuffin Gospel, have unfolded the depth of God's love for me in a way that I will forever be grateful and broken me out of the religious duties I thought I had to fulfill.

With great caution, I look forward into an unknown future and can only hope and pray that God will continue to raise men and women who reflect the very heart of God in word and deed.  I am in all honesty scared as to what is to come as more and more of our precious generation of fathers and mothers leave us and rest in the hands of Abba Himself.  

God, challenge those of us with work yet to do, to pick up and continue forward with these mantles of faith, hope and love.  May we preach the gospel of grace and always remember the sinner is Your precious child.  

Thank you, Brennan, for teaching me grace.

A few of my favorite quotes:

"To affirm a person is to see the good in them that they cannot see in themselves and to repeat it in spite of appearances to the contrary."

"The wild, unrestricted love of God is not simply an inspiring idea.  It determines why and at what time you get up in the morning, how you pass your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, and who you hang with; it affects what breaks your heart, what amazes you, and what makes your heart happy."

(This one is fun!)
"In retrospect, my ponderous ponderings on the purgative, illuminative, and unitive stage of my spiritual life, my assiduous search for shortcuts to holiness, my preoccupation with my spiritual pulse and my fasts, mortifications and penances have wrought pseudobliss and the egregious delusion that I was securely ensconced in the seventh mansion of spiritual perfection." (ha! ha! - I have "love it" next to this quote!)

"I believe that only a person who has actually experienced God (a mystic) would dare to pray with such boldness."  

"The death of Jesus Christ on the cross is His greatest single act of unwavering trust in His Abba's love.  He (Jesus) plunged into the darkness of death, not fully knowing what awaited Him, confident that somehow, some way, His Abba would vindicate Him."  

"'Abba, I Belong To You.' It's a prayer of exactly seven syllables, the number that corresponds perfectly to the rhythm of our breathing.  As you inhale - Abba.  As you exhale- I belong to You."

"The foundation of the furious longing of God is the Father who is the originating Love, the Son who is the full self-expression of that Love, and the Spirit who is the original and inexhaustible activity of that Love, drawing the created universe into itself."

"Jesus came not only for those who skip morning meditations, but also for real sinners, thieves, adulterers, and terrorists, for those caught up in squalid choices and failed dreams."

"The love of God cannot be tamed, boxed, captivated, housebroken, or templebroken.  It is simply and startlingly Jesus, the effulgence of the Father's love."

Big Steps Toward Healing

I achieved a milestone that I thought I would share.

Some of you may not be aware, but a few weeks ago I decided to resign as Children's Ministry Coordinator.  God's hand has been pressing on me to make this decision for months now...if not years.  My stubbornness and dislike of change (and unknown) kept me in my "safe" job.

Through a multitude of God-moments the last few months, I am 100% certain God has challenged me to step down.  Perhaps I will post another blog soon about that decision.  This blog, however, is not about that decision, but about one of the outcomes of making it.

.................................................................................................................

One of my first tasks was to clean up old files.

It may seem strange, but in the bottom, left-corner of my desktop, for the last (almost) three years, I have had a Word Document entitled, "Friends Lost."  When our church went through a difficult season nearly three years ago, I found myself daily receiving multiple e-mails from friends who had decided to leave the church.

Four weeks ago I re-opened that file that had been sitting on my desktop.  

I scrolled through six pages of single-spaced notes from friends who, at one point in time, served right along beside me in ministry.  I had included with each letter, the date and time I received them.  What a haunting experience to walk back through those very dark two weeks and the entire year that followed as notes continued and I was frequently afraid to open my e-mail to find yet another friend who was gone.

I wondered, as I sat in my office, why I had cut and pasted all these e-mails into this one very sad, long letter.

Three weeks ago I taught a class on "The Five Love Languages" to young mothers at my sister's church.  With the Love Languages fresh in my mind, God told me why I had saved all those letters.  I had never realized how much I crave words of affirmation.  For me, words are powerful.  They can make or break me.

While all of the e-mails were tremendously sad to read through, for most of them, the opening line of, "Thank you, Connie..." was the only verbal affirmation I would receive from people of whom I had given my heart.  What an unhealthy method of receiving words of affirmation!  So much garbage was piled on, in and around the affirmation.  I am sure this entire document put me way in the negative and did not build me up in any way.  Or perhaps I saved the e-mails to convince myself that all the time and energy I had spent really was worthy it.

Then something strange began to happen.

It was like the heart-strings that attached me to each of these sweet families began to snap.  I felt this overwhelming sense of release.  I've been holding onto memories and times past which has kept me from reaching forward to what God wants to do in the present and future.  While I will always have a special place in my heart for so many of these children and friends, I suddenly had this indignant feeling that they can no longer hold me back and have power over me.

I have always told people, and know very well, that when I refuse to forgive someone, I keep us handcuffed (in bondage) together.  I know this logically, but had never experienced the release of letting go.

I felt my heart racing as I began moving my cursor over the "Friends Lost" document on my desktop.  I was suddenly on a battlefield.  Am I going to save this file onto my flash drive to keep forever as a reminder of this season in my life, these "friends" and the memories associated with them?  Or am I going to let it go?

My decision: This file has kept me in bondage too long.

With great precision, I felt my ring-finger (the finger that signifies relationship btw) press on the right-click button on my mouse.  I scrolled up to the word, "cut."  I lingered for just a few short seconds and then...click.

The document was gone.

I am free.