If you're a filing cabinet fan like me then you might have a favorite kind of cabinet. Filing cabinets come in all sorts of sizes (standard file-size, legal file-size, etc...) and shapes (2-drawers, 5-drawers, etc...). Newer filing cabinets have with low walls - these annoyingly cheapened version of file cabinets force the organized genius to have to purchase metal rack inserts to actually hold documents (perhaps one day I'll figure out the purpose of filing cabinets that do not hold files). Some cabinets are metal and some are wood.
The filing cabinet in my office (in this picture) is lovely. Four clean drawers, each drawer with high walls so no need for cheap metal racks. File folders fit nicely in hanging racks that smoothly push back and forth on the tracks. My nerd friends out there can hear the smooth sound of hanging files being drawn over and back against the tracks.
This particular filing cabinet has been my companion across three different churches, each church filling a different drawer. Currently, NFC Children's Ministry and Mennonite Brethren Conference documents fill the top two drawers. After some sorting and tossing, my 5+ years here will easily fit within one drawer - especially since I use my digital space well and no longer store as much in my fabulous filing cabinet.
In my packing I was saddened to recognize that I have been so busy with the top two drawers, I have not opened the bottom two drawers for a long time.
What are in the two bottom drawers?
The secret is safe with me, but suffice to say the ministry I have done at NFC was only half of what I could have brought to this place.
"Yes, yes," the critics say, "I was not hired to do my other two drawers."
True - kind of.
I leave knowing I utilized my skills, experience, gifts and talents within this specific ministry well.
But if this filing cabinet represents me, then I am also forced to grieve the half of myself that has stayed closed for five-years.
Have I done my due-diligence and performed my job well, as a true soldier should? Yes. But to what avail - to have only half of me being developed and growing? I reflect on my previous church of 13-years of ministry and know that similarly, though I dipped into more files than at NFC, I also did not bring my whole self to that place. One drawer remained closed.
Is the problem with me in not having the courage to open and display all of me - all four drawers?
Or is the problem with the Church in designing job descriptions that are too small for my four drawers?
I am forced to wonder if there is a place for all of me - all four drawers. Is there a community where a whole Connie can flourish?
No answers needed. I was simply struck by my closed drawers and delighted to find old friends inside.
May God continue reviving parts of me that have been asleep too long. It is time to wake up.
